The Appointment

I was on the the last page of the third book in the Hunger Games trilogy when Dr. Keppen tapped on the door to the room. I tore myself away and immediately began sweating. What did the blood work reveal? Hold on I am getting ahead of myself...

The morning began normal enough. Wakey wakey, walky walky, talky talky...home by 6:30. I tried to shower but for some reason I got sidetracked making lists of my errands so it was after 7 before I cleaned up. I had to hit the bank before I left town and here it doesn't open until 8:30 am. Subconsciously I knew I had several "errands" planned to distract me from the real reason I had to get to town. Right before I left the house I texted my college roomie and made a lunch date. Now I had something to look forward to, good or bad news couldn't change that.

Two hours and the same number of errands later I arrived at the Cancer Center. A quick ride up the elevator and I was on the right floor. They gave me the beeper coaster thingamabob that is so weird and not convenient to carry with my purse, two books, sweater and phone. I really had to use the restroom (damn coffee) so that was my first stop after checking in. I was carrying so much that I had no place to set the stuff down (you know how disgusting those floors are) so I plopped my purse into the other sink and went to wash. Before I could, I heard the automatic faucet turn on and I saw the water pour, at full strength, into my purse and onto the annoying beeper thingy. I tried to get everything out of the sink before it got too wet. For the next hour I dripped like a leaky faucet.

I left a drying path of droplets all the way to the laboratory where I sat and waited to get poked. I read  a few pages until I heard a familiar voice say, "Haven't seen you for quite some time, thank goodness." The technician did a great job of chit chatting and doing her job so well that I could not even feel the needle enter my arm. Though, as I watched each vial fill up I wondered how they can do that one handed. She repeatedly removed a vial, tilted it up and down and effortlessly inserted another vial on the needle with a single hand. I kept thinking about what would happen if i coughed or twitched. Would the needle go through my arm? Why does my brain always think of these awful things? She removed the needle, the rubber strap, and her strong hold on my arm and grabbed a cotton ball and a piece of tape to stop the trickle of blood. "Apply a bit of pressure there, dear," she said to me. "Good luck." she nodded to me as I picked up my stuff and walked down the hall and around the corner to the waiting room.

I usually love watching people. The people in waiting rooms are so interesting. There is always some drama going on and I love guessing what they do or what they are "in" for. You can always identify the ones who are coming for infusion. They usually have a large bag of stuff to occupy them and maybe some snacks. They are comfortably dressed in casual clothes or sweats. If they have been going through treatment for a while they may have a bandanna or a hat on their thinning or bald head. Some have a tubes on their chest coming from their port. Many have an iv pole or a wheelchair, recovering from surgery. We all have one terrible thing in common. The "C" word.

But this time I had no desire to people watch. The Mocking Jay was enough to keep me distracted. The hour and 15 minutes I had to wait flew by. When my beeper went off it startled me and then I smiled because I was relieved that I didn't break the darn thing by letting it go for a swim in my purse. The nurse walked me back to the room.

I rattled off the list of my vitamins. She typed them in. She asked me the required questions. I answered them between nervous fidgets. She tried to take my blood pressure. The first time she reminded me gently to not cross my legs. The second time she asked me not to wring my hands. The third time she asked me to sit on the paper sheet so she could do it the "old fashioned way".

"I guess I am a little nervous." I said.

"It's normal." she answered.

I bet. I thought in my anxious nervous brain I didn't say it out loud. I also thought this. Let's get on with it.

"So," she asked as she glanced at my book with the blue and silver cover "Are you team Peeta or team Gale?" We discussed the book for a few minutes and then she left me to finish the last 10 pages.

Minutes later the rap on the door jolted me back into reality.

So, the results?

The Doctor clears his throat. "Let's see....um hmmm....yep." "Um I  just want to look at these other numbers, too... yep everything checks out. I'd like to see you in a year again."

Then I let out a BIG HUGE SIGH.

Thanks so very much for your prayers.

where is the comfort and joy

I can't stand losing control and every year at about this time I lose it. big. time.

While everything around me boasts love and merriment I am screaming on the inside.

The numbers are crunching in my head and it is clear there is not enough to go around. There is never enough and for 11 months out of the year I have no problem with it. But something dark takes hold of me in this season and makes me WANT what is not needed. It is as if I am brainwashed. I know it and I try to prepare for it but every year I fail to fully ignore it.

It is foolish and brings me only feelings of guilt and shame. There are a stack of boxes in my storage area just waiting to remind me of my selfish and immature heart. The kids have the "I want" flu and it hits every December. I justify every gift with excuses and foolish reasons when I should just say no.

Meanwhile the world is spinning faster and faster. My house is a mish mosh of projects from sheet rock repair to painting to trim. The rooms are disheveled. There is five gallon buckets of paint and piles of tools and sandpaper. My husband and I compete for space every day in the kitchen. He needs to finish his projects and I need to cook/clean/bake/prepare. The kids are cranky and fighting. They are begging to put up the tree. Where would we put it? In the center of the room? I can't imagine adding to the chaos. The calendar is chock full of parties, recitals, programs, cookie exchanges and sub days. Tell me why we have to do EVERYTHING in four short weeks? WHY? None of it is about Jesus. I just want it all to be over and done.

Today Addi cut a chunk out of Nora's hair. A CHUNK about 4 inches long and 2 inches wide. The thing is, NO ONE NOTICED. I was at school all day. Dad was busy with projects. Maleah took out Nora's braids for a bath and with the braid came hair, a lot of it. Maleah was shocked and her face was priceless. I think she thought she had done it by taking the rubber band out. Addison announced that she cut Nora's hair with the scissors she found. We still don't know when or where it happened. But there it is, a spike of one inch long hair right on top of her head, just waiting to be photographed thousands of time in the next few weeks. Forgive me that, " it'll grow back" doesn't make me feel better.

At night as I stand in the hallway and point to their bedrooms I pray that I will have time tomorrow to tell them the story, to get out the nativity, to have a conversation with them about the reason for the season. Then, tomorrow comes and I am even more tired and even more lost and even more sad and the whole cycle just keeps me further and further away from the truth.


This is the time of the year when I am supposed to be joyful and at peace and anxious for celebration and all I can think of is what needs to be done, what I haven't checked off the list. It weighs on me and makes me crabby.

So much of what I feel comes from wanting control of things, my children, my home, my life. I know this. I feel the tug of temptation. I know it stems from the darkest of places. Why can't I just ignore it?

This therapy of mine (writing) seems like it doesn't do the trick anymore. I went through Monday without one thought of thankfulness this week. Sigh.

I am feeling pretty bad about myself today. Problem is my mood sets the tone of the house and my mood has got to get moving up. I pray that the next time I have the time to sit and plunk out some words they will be positive ones.

What

day is it?



Geez... I think I lost a week or a month or something.

Darn,

I forgot my camera for both Thanksgiving celebrations so you are just going to have to believe me when I tell you we were ridiculously blessed with food, family, and fun. I hope you were, too.

Never

ever make special K bars with special K chocolate cereal...because it is not good for the butt, but it is really good for everything else.

sIgH...the weekend

has arrived and dad is working which gives the house some time to settle. It has been a crazy week here.

I just cut Gavin's hair and it didn't go well. I grabbed the three to do the back and accidentally started with the top. Sheesh.

Last night I bit into a piece of crusty bread and busted my tooth in half.

I have bananas on the counter waiting to be in bread with some dark cocoa chips. Plans to make runza's are in the works but are exhausting me just thinking about it.

My brother sent me two lei's from Hawaii and they. smell. so. lovely. I want to go to Hawaii. right. now. please. someone. buy. me. a. ticket. pretty please?

I spent the bday in the big city renewing my drivers lc. (that is AN experience I tell ya), eating lunch with a super great friend, thrifting and hunting for bargains until I couldn't walk another step, coming home to some fun mail and a nice supper with my hubby which may have included two margaritas and some cake...

The kitchen remodel is coming along nicely. Dusty and dirty, but wonderful none-the-less. Down came the wall, down came the beam, up went the new beam (I think we almost maimed a b-i-l with that one) and now the sheetrock is back over the beam just waiting for finishing. Hopefully we can get new flooring and perhaps some cabinets before Nora graduates from high school.

equation

broken hand = no blogging for awhile = crabby mommy

not enough and too much

Yesterday I ;

drank 6 cups of coffee*

continued making almost 400 homemade granola bars for the Tour de Kota

hung 4 loads of laundry out to dry :)

hunted frantically for 12 missing important papers that will never be found

drove 2 big kids to dentist appointments that will eventually lead to 4 teeth being pulled, the crowning of 3 teeth and 1 tooth filled

returned items to the $100 store and bought a strapless bra that I intend to wear but never really will

guzzled 1 bottle of water in the car*

got a call that the 50 new uniform t's for the Pee Wee's will be done for the game today

sort of called 1 wonderful mom friend to take 1 big girl to game in Alexandria at same time as the Pee Wee game

attended 1 Pee Wee game where 1 big boy played catcher and he beamed the whole time

bought one 6 pack of favorite bottled beer from the gas station* on the way to

1 very windy and cool temperatured(not a word, but I don't care)Dad ballgame in a very lonely ballpark in Humboldt

found exactly 0 bottle openers + 0 koozie in the van which resulted in = 0 beers drank during ballgame

husband visited with 1 player after the game that informed me of 6 twist topped beer bottles (that were warm by this time) sitting in my van :)

sigh... sipped 1 lukewarm bottle of beer at the ballpark*

drove 10 miles with one screaming very tired baby to pick up

1 big girl who was waiting patiently after her ballgame was rained out

tucked 4 tired kids into bed

observed 1 exhausted 'coming off 3 night shifts and pitched a great game' dad asleep on the couch, snoring

woke up this morning with a screaming headache and the most awful dehydrated mommy tummy cramps*

*duh, drink more water busy mommy

double the; trouble, fun, ear infections

Nora has not been sleeping well for weeks. The first few nights were rough, but then your body gets use to getting up and going through the motions you can do it in your sleep:)

Then, while I was buried in purple satin, my beautiful blue eyed Addi came crying to me, "mommy my ear huwts"...it took me all of a few moments to get on the phone with the clinic. I made an appointment for both girls. They both had low-grade temps and snot and similar symptoms can me similar diagnosis', you know the old "one stone" saying.

As the CNP checked out Addi's "sowe ear", I heard her sharp inhale and knew instantly that it was an infection. I can't help but feel good in that moment. Any mom would, when they are confirmed of something that they suspected. It's an awesome feeling, being right.

Then on to baby Nora.

"MMMMMMMMMM" the doctor says. I start to shake my head when she asks, "did you find blood in her ear recently?" Then my heart leaps into my throat as my brain rewinds and freezes on a moment WEEKS ago when she awoke with dried dark specks in her outer ear. I thought for a moment that it was not normal, but then... what? Then I shrugged it off? Then I forgot about it? Then I (insert excuse)? WHAT? What mother doesn't question blood in her baby's ear NO MATTER WHAT. So much for that good feeling.

Gone, LOOOOONNNNNNGGGGGG gone.

Ish. I feel awful. Unworthy. Unfit. Disgusted with myself. Nora spent much of the day yesterday sitting in the van at the ballgame miserable with the heat and her low-grade temperature. That should have been a huge CUE for me.

Doctor says perforated eardrums are fairly common in small children and in most cases provide relief to the pain the child is experiencing. It doesn't make me feel better. She needs to see us again in a few days to be sure that the drops and the Amoxicillin are working to help it heal on it's own. Sometimes it doesn't heal right. So, not only to I have to consult my notes for birthdates and years but I have no clue when my children are sick. Way to go mommy.

I need to pay more attention to my kids. I am too easily distracted in this crazy life. Lord grant me the attention to task that I so desperately desire...

see you in six months

Just before I was diagnosed with Hodgkin's Lymphoma I lost 10 pounds, in a few days. It was awesome. I felt great, except for the cough. The cough that was becoming my normal. The cough that, along with the night sweats, and the weight loss = cancer.

Anyway. During chemotherapy I gained weight. Lots of weight. Like 30 pounds. Then after chemo, I got pregnant. Then after that pregnancy I got pregnant again. You see where this is going, don't you?

I am overweight, more than I have ever been in my life. I have aches and pains that an overweight person has. Lower back, feet, and just plain exhaustion issues are normal day to day experiences now.

So, when I went to the doctor yesterday the first thing he said to me, again, was, "Well, we are not losing any weight yet, huh?" Simple as that sentence is it HURTS. It cut me and I felt my tears well up and my heart squeeze in my chest. I HATE being fat. It is uncomfortable even painful. I like to exercise, I like to eat healthy but my body just doesn't react to these things the way it did before... before I was pregnant for two years, before I spent 6 months pumping poison into my veins to "heal" me. I have changed and I am starting to wonder if this is me now.

This new hair with curls and grey, this new skin with patches that dry up right next to patches that are oily, these new scars that spasm and roll when I stretch or move, this new body that has aches and pains that a few years ago I never thought could exist.

I just wish he would have said, "You are maintaining your weight." That wouldn't have hurt so much. He would like me to be back to pre-cancer weight, which is 25 pounds from where I am now. I feel like all my effort, although not terribly consistent, are in vain. It may seem odd, but it feels terribly selfish to worry about my self when there are so many others to care for right now.

Anyway...my t-cells are coming back to normal levels. Doc says it can take 5 years or more for t-cells to bounce back in Hodgkin's patients. He recommends all vaccinations, flu shots etc. until my levels are normal. Otherwise all is well.

Thanks for your prayers. My next appointment is in 6 months. He challenged me to lose 10 pounds. Let's hope I can exceed that.

I thought you did

Not perfect parents.

I like to think that I have a routine of sorts. There is not a calendar broken into 30 minute sections highlighting new activities and chores for the entire day but I do try to stick to a bit of a schedule.

Most nights we are geared up for bed about 8ish. We stick to that for a couple of reasons. One, the babies are dog-tired by then and two, that's about the time dad comes home and can kiss them goodnight. The bigs take about a half an hour to brush teeth and hair and by 8:30-8:45 they are down as well or at least in bed reading.

So, last night dad decided that he wanted to start, or rather finish, a project before he turned in for the night. Point is, it got a bit crazy for a few minutes, shirts were flying, toothbrushes were brushing, and kids were running all over the place.

Finally it quieted down a bit. Prayers were said, backs were rubbed, blankets were fetched, books were opened and dad and I got the power tools out. A few minutes into leveling the wall cabinet, we heard a little voice say, "What daddy doing?".There was little Addi Rose standing in the bathroom doorway holding her pink blanket. I looked at Ryan and he looked at me and we both said,"I thought you..."

Number three, an unplanned miraculous angel, amidst the hustle and bustle of bedtime, had successfully avoided any and all bedtime efforts. It seems one of us or the other sent her on a quest for her favorite blanket and she ended up downstairs playing through prayers and night nights. It caught us completely off guard and we busted up in laughter, which was actually quite refreshing after a tense hour of unscheduled mayhem.

You know you have too many kids when you forget to put one to bed.

This also helpfully illustrates why it is completely acceptable and necessary that I count my kids every time we go somewhere. So, if you see me out and about mouthing numbers; one, two, three... Go ahead and say a little prayer for me, will ya?

Spamified

I am getting a lot of spam comments on the blog so I had to put word verification up for a while. Sorry for the inconvenience. Please feel free to still post your commments. I appreciate your patience...

Manic Monday Multitudes

Not in the mood.
Her head got in the way of her brothers hammer.Beautiful even with three stitches...

Ever have one of those days, weeks, months, years?

This morning I woke up to a a two year old with a reddish blueish colored eye who did not want her photo taken. It seems in the craziness of yesterday she may have fallen down the deck steps, or something, and bruised her eye. That's what we came up with anyway. No one really has an explanation for it. But some of us vaguely remember her toppelling down the steps last night as the rest of us were busy cleaning out the garage and tending to the one year old.

Both the youngsters have a cough. It started on Thursday or Friday and has culminated into a snotty wheezy bark. The fever, when it appears, is only slight and the only other symptom is uber crankiness. When they cry or whine it sounds like someone is slowly releasing the air from a helium balloon. Pleasant it is not. I am trying to justify taking them in to the clinic for clear runny snot and a barky cough. Luckily my adorable hubby is a respiratory therapist and assures me we don't need call the doctor just yet, otherwise I may be slightly neurotic about the whole thing. Have you ever had to listen to two squealing balloons off an on for 5 days? Truly, I am sympathetic. They are only babies, but I am the kind of sympathetic with a headache:)

So this morning, when I had to rearrange some of my plans for the day, I got a little discouraged. Another day of not crossing the things off the list that really need to get done. Before I got too deep in my own pity I glanced at my verses for every day of the year and this is what it said...

ALWAYS BE JOYFUL. Always keep on praying. No matter what happens, always be thankful, for this is God's will for you who belong to Christ Jesus. 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18

So, I am reminded of One Thousand Gifts, Multitude Monday at Holy Experience, something I have wanted to begin for a long time...so here goes.

Gratititde, Thanksgiving, Praise

Thank you, Lord for;

1 manic Mondays that help me remember to be thankful
2 beautiful faces with three stiches and brown eyes and red eyelids and blue eyes
3 gatherings of family for thankfullness, dinner and photos(even with healing faces)
4 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18
5 days to spend with my children, healthy or healing
6 apple pie that has yet to be made
7 cookies that failed this weekend and some that did not
8 freecyle finds and friends
9 crocheted hats and beautiful bows made by a loving sister
10 piles of laundry that may stay in piles for another day

F.R.I.E.D

Why oh why can't I just follow my OWN advice?

One hour at the pool plus one and one half hours at Leah's game = red blotchy skin except for tiny sunscreen handprint smudges on my shoulders and arms.

At least none of the kids are red. They were all greased up and ready to go.

It's Monday and it's raining...again.

My neighbor got across his yard two times this morning before the rain started. I noticed he was sorta rushing it. Poor guy, his lawn is starting to look like the set from Jurassic Park.

It's really coming down now and has been for almost an hour. I can see the water pooling on the roofs of the houses near mine.

The rain made an appearance at yesterdays ballgame. But, the Muckdogs pulled out a win against Lennox (CD, if you are out there - I am so sorry the Muckdog site is not up and running I will try and post the standings when I get them), thanks to a particularly handsome pitcher. I think they ended up winning by 12 or more. I don't really know, I was too busy picking up my babies from the ground. True story, I had baby Lou Lou wrapped up like a taco in her blanket (off topic: I KNOW it was near 80 degrees after church so I dressed everyone in tanks and shorts for the ballgame where it was raining and felt like it was 40 degrees). I was pushing my baby taco in the stroller on those pointy pink rocks and she popped right out of the stroller on to the ground. I felt certain that everyone who saw it was saying to themselves, "What kind of mother...?" and I was saying the same thing under my breath. But she lived, she has a tiny bruise on her forehead to constantly remind me of how dumb I was not to buckle her in.

In other news;

Addison has been cleaning up her messes. In fact she loves cleaning so much that anytime she sees a drop of water or something on the ground, she struts over to the drawer where my kitchen rags are and takes one out where she proceeds to put her foot on it and swish it around on the floor (they are little mirrors). It is a sight to see. I giggle every time she does it. One day this week she went through a whole drawer of rags...

You know what people say about coupons, that if you don't buy what you don't need they will save you money. Well, I had a coupon for Oscar Meyer cooked bacon and I used it. I didn't need it, but I used it. Now I am hooked on a product I don't need. It is wonderful. You pop a piece in the micro for a couple of seconds and viola, hot crispy bacon. Put one on eggs in a tortilla. Crumble one up in your chicken salad sandwich, use a couple on a BLT. SO convenient, so not messy and so not going to be cheap without a coupon. Sigh. I am trying to find things that precooked bacon cannot do like this, to argue myself out of purchasing it again.

This whole not having a camera thing is hard on me, but I am dealing, I am finding my words.

It's the most wonderful time...

Guess what time it is?

VACATION BIBLE SCHOOL TIME

YIPPEE!!!!

My kids came in the door singing tonight. I could have dropped dead and been the happiest mom in the world. They had so much energy and enthusiasm about the WORD OF GOD. What else can you ask for?

I roped my Pastor into helping. His wife is 38 weeks prego and dilated to three centimeters. I told Pastor to tell her to cross her legs until Thursday. He didn't laugh. I also told her I was dilated to a three with one of my babies for two weeks. He wasn't impressed by that either.

I am so thankful for my friends and village people who have set aside their evenings this week. You are some of the most amazing and wonderful creatures. My kids thank you, I thank you and the Lord is using you to do some awesome things this week.

gel seat and no more treats

I have loosened the shoe laces, worn a larger size and just plain walked through the pain and I think the foot is getting better. My ankle is still sore, but I think that is a joint thing since my knees, hips, wrists and elbows are all singing the same song.

I have graduated to the bike. THE BIKE, people. The bike that my hubby and I bought with leftover wedding money. We got a matching pair. Mine has since hung in the garage for 10 years collecting dust and bird poo.

Thanks to the generosity of good friend, I dusted the old blue girl off and got her running. I took her for a test ride and the first gear switch sent my chain a' flying so I had to have the hubby fix that. Then I hooked up the bike trailer (generous donation) and took off, only to find that the seat was so low my legs could not extend and I felt like I was riding my sons 12 inch dirt bike. I stopped at my brothers place and had him extend my seat for me. Then it was smooth sailing. Well, sailing at least. I can't go uphill even a tiny bit. A small incline makes me huff and puff and I am pretty sure it would happen even without those two 25+ pound babies in the trailer.

Everything was going along fine until I realized that my bum was numb. What do they make those bike seats out of, iron? OUCH! I had to get off to push us home. As I was walking along explaining to the girls that riding a bike hurt as much as child birth my neighbor hollered out to me. Guess what? She had one of those gel seats and so graciously offered it up to my aching pelvis (more generosity). Man, I love this little neck of the woods. Ask and you shall receive, knock and it will be answered. Complain on the street and your neighbor will succumb and give you her gel seat.

So, after I put the kids to bed I decided to celebrate my new found energy and will for exercising. I thought since I had both walked and rode the bike I deserved a cookie. I chomped down hard on that chocolate chunk goodness and almost bit through my tongue. What's the old saying? No pain, no gain.

I then and there gave up any and all chewing, at least until my tongue heals.

Remember

So, (and I am sure this will surprise you all) I was freaking out this morning adding Maleah's softball schedule to our calendar. I knew this was coming. You know, the 'which activity should I go to tonight' season of our lives. Thank goodness I have a good year or two before I am trying to go three ways at once (and I will not be dragging diapers or bottles with me by then, God willing). Anyway back to the freaking part. I really have started to do this less often, the spaz part. But, nonetheless, I was pretty much in way deep when my eyes sort of glanced to the top of my planner for the month of June. This is what it said.

STOP and CONSIDER God's wonders. JOB 37:14

(empahasis all mine:)

There it was like a giant exclamation point at the top of the page. Thank you, Lord for your gentle nudging reminders that it's not all about me. In fact, it's not even a tiny bit about me.

Glory and honour and in His presence. Strength and gladness are in His place.

1 Chronicles 16:27

Now, go about your day, your weekend, your life. Remember that you are a loved and forgiven child of God and He stops and considers you every moment of every day. Save a part of your insignificant day for Him, won't you?

Rainy days...

We had a bit of a crisis today when Gavin purchased a new refrigerator for his Webkinz and then accidentally placed the fridge in front of the bathroom door and locked his pet inside. Whew! Thank goodness Maleah knew how to use the map and remove items. Gavin was sure his pet was a goner.

I subbed today and volunteered to monitor the indoor recess which is held in the old gym. I don't think I will ever do that again unless I am forced to. Almost 50 kids let loose in a small room screaming and running everywhere. The noise was deafening. I had to ask a child to speak up three times before I realized he needed to use the restroom. It was the hopping and holding of the privates that finally convinced me, not his words. I couldn't hear a thing for hours.

I wore the wrong shoes again today. My feet are killing me. I think I may be allergic to exercises. Every time I actually get out and walk a bit, my feet hurt. Not the bottom, but the top of my feet. It feels like they are sprained or something. The pain is real. I feel dumb saying anything. I would blame it on the heels today, but I wore running shoes (ha, like I could ever really run) the other day on my walk and the next morning I had the same terrible pain in my feet. I don't have a clue what is causing it. Must be my old age and extra plumpness. My hip joints aren't what they used to be either. If I sit for an extended amount of time, man do I ache when I get up to move. I may as well get the walker out.

The rain today greened everything up. It sure was a pain to get to school this morning in the sheets of wet stuff but, man, is it beautiful out there now. My grass is so green it looks like someone colored it with a crayon. Nuts, and it was snowing just a few days ago.

When I can't get my hair up in a clip I know it's time to get it thinned. Most people get their hair cut every few months, I get mine thinned out. I called yesterday and she had a spot for me today. I feel lucky she could get me in so quickly. I may go out and buy myself a powerball ticket. So, after school got out early today for teacher in service I trucked my butt in to the salon. When I got home, Ryan asked my why I drove 60 miles for a haircut. I asked him why he drove 20 miles last night for a can of chew.

We had the same thing for supper tonight as we did last night (oh, the horror)I made enough meatloaf and cheesy potatoes to feed an army last night. AND, I used raw potatoes instead of frozen hasbrowns in the casserole. DON'T TRY THIS AT HOME. I cooked the casserole for an hour and a half and the potatoes still weren't done. So last night we nuked portions for our supper and I cooked the rest of the pan again tonight. Next time I will mostly cook the potatoes before assembling the dish. They were perfect tonight, though. So was the meatloaf. Leftovers rule.

That's enough rambling for tonight, I am getting a little too sassy. Besides Addison has one whole leg scribbled on with a pen.

Must get back to being a mommy.

A rant and a recipe.

I found the cumin. It was in the bag with the toothpaste that I tossed into the bathroom closet yesterday.

I am crabby today. The white chili bombed last night, I used tasteless chicken breasts and dry beans that soaked up all the flavor, turkey is much more savory, I think I will stick with using it.

I wasn't feeling well last night but with Kris's help, she did all the sewing, we pounded out the wall/hanging. All that hard work just to send it off and never see it again, I am beginning to doubt that this was a good idea at all.

Since I was in a funk, I decided to do my Bible Study homework this morning. While Addison piled blocks on my study guide I tried to downshift my brain into quiet time with me and God. Halfway through my husband came in and said, why don't you just read the Bible instead of someone else's idea of what it says. He has a good point there, you know? But I am a woman and I love hearing other people's stories. It's what turns me onto the Word most of the time. The way someone else describes how the verses made them feel or what the meaning of the original text was. I got so grumpy at him that I shut the book up, right then and there and told him what I thought. I regretted it as soon as I said it. It doesn't really matter what I said. Obviously what I was reading was not sinking in. I am terrible at the real life applications of the Word. WOW, that is amazing and that make a whole lotta sense is what my brain thinks when I am reading it and then I look out into my living room and poof all is lost. I am a poor miserable sinner who knows God and knows how to please him but chooses not to. Not only not to but to do the exact opposite of what he yearns us to do. I am pathetic.

So, here is the crappy recipe. It usually is a yummy treat, but last night it tasted awful. I don't know what I did wrong, but I failed, yet again. To be fair, when I followed the recipe in the past with turkey it has resulted in wonderful soup.

White Turkey Chili

1 tablespoon oil
1/2 cup chopped onion
1 rib of celery finely chopped
1 can of chicken broth (I always use bouillon cubes and water)
2 cups cooked turkey (Jennie O make a wonderful breast of turkey, I don't recommend chicken unless you season it as you cook it or maybe use leftover roasted chicken)
1 can great northern beans. I soaked dry ones. It made a lot, too much for the chili.
1 can white corn, undrained (or for us simple folk, regular corn)
1 small can green chilies
2 teaspoons ground cumin
1/4 tsp. hot pepper sauce, if desired :)
Garnish with;
2 oz. shredded Monterey jack cheese
1 tablespoon fresh parsley

Heat oil in large saucepan over medium heat until hot. Add onion and celery; cook and stir 2-3 minutes until veggies are tender. Stir in remaining ingredients except cheese and parsley; blend well. Cover and cook 10-20 minutes or until heated through. To serve, ladle chili into bowls; sprinkle with cheese and parsley, makes 6 1 cup servings, 230 calories per cup.