where is the comfort and joy

I can't stand losing control and every year at about this time I lose it. big. time.

While everything around me boasts love and merriment I am screaming on the inside.

The numbers are crunching in my head and it is clear there is not enough to go around. There is never enough and for 11 months out of the year I have no problem with it. But something dark takes hold of me in this season and makes me WANT what is not needed. It is as if I am brainwashed. I know it and I try to prepare for it but every year I fail to fully ignore it.

It is foolish and brings me only feelings of guilt and shame. There are a stack of boxes in my storage area just waiting to remind me of my selfish and immature heart. The kids have the "I want" flu and it hits every December. I justify every gift with excuses and foolish reasons when I should just say no.

Meanwhile the world is spinning faster and faster. My house is a mish mosh of projects from sheet rock repair to painting to trim. The rooms are disheveled. There is five gallon buckets of paint and piles of tools and sandpaper. My husband and I compete for space every day in the kitchen. He needs to finish his projects and I need to cook/clean/bake/prepare. The kids are cranky and fighting. They are begging to put up the tree. Where would we put it? In the center of the room? I can't imagine adding to the chaos. The calendar is chock full of parties, recitals, programs, cookie exchanges and sub days. Tell me why we have to do EVERYTHING in four short weeks? WHY? None of it is about Jesus. I just want it all to be over and done.

Today Addi cut a chunk out of Nora's hair. A CHUNK about 4 inches long and 2 inches wide. The thing is, NO ONE NOTICED. I was at school all day. Dad was busy with projects. Maleah took out Nora's braids for a bath and with the braid came hair, a lot of it. Maleah was shocked and her face was priceless. I think she thought she had done it by taking the rubber band out. Addison announced that she cut Nora's hair with the scissors she found. We still don't know when or where it happened. But there it is, a spike of one inch long hair right on top of her head, just waiting to be photographed thousands of time in the next few weeks. Forgive me that, " it'll grow back" doesn't make me feel better.

At night as I stand in the hallway and point to their bedrooms I pray that I will have time tomorrow to tell them the story, to get out the nativity, to have a conversation with them about the reason for the season. Then, tomorrow comes and I am even more tired and even more lost and even more sad and the whole cycle just keeps me further and further away from the truth.


This is the time of the year when I am supposed to be joyful and at peace and anxious for celebration and all I can think of is what needs to be done, what I haven't checked off the list. It weighs on me and makes me crabby.

So much of what I feel comes from wanting control of things, my children, my home, my life. I know this. I feel the tug of temptation. I know it stems from the darkest of places. Why can't I just ignore it?

This therapy of mine (writing) seems like it doesn't do the trick anymore. I went through Monday without one thought of thankfulness this week. Sigh.

I am feeling pretty bad about myself today. Problem is my mood sets the tone of the house and my mood has got to get moving up. I pray that the next time I have the time to sit and plunk out some words they will be positive ones.

Facebook status' I can't bring myself to post...

dental work = excuse to eat ice cream for supper

Why, on the day when I am doing sheets, is there not even a teeny tiny whiff of wind? My laundry has been hanging since 9 am.

The opening of the city pool means the kids' chores are done before 1pm, why can't the pool be open year round?

Why does it take someone needing to use my restroom (not immediate family) for me to get around to cleaning it?

Why am I so thankful on Monday and so crabby on Tuesday (sometimes Monday afternoon)?

The best deals always come along as I am about to be overdrawn :( no fair.

Splish Splash

Guess who decided it was time for her bath?

Other appropriate titles considered for this post include;

• How to make your older brother really mad.

• How to scare the dickens out of your mom and your dad.

• How to make your mom and dad look pretty darn stupid.

just so you know

When I was cleaning the computer desk/hutch out today I found my list of who to send thank yous for Addison's baby gifts and baptism cards. So, I think there is probably no hope of me ever getting anything done this time, as I have yet to even make a list. Nora gets baptized tomorrow in a private service at the church because Daddy works weekends. I will forever be behind.

Just so you know...

The painful path...

I completely lost it this morning at the breakfast table. I broke out into full blown slobbery cryingness. I had to hide my face for fear of scaring the youngsters so I hid in the bathroom for awhile.

My emotions are crazy these days. I'm up, I'm down and I am both at the same time. I could blame it on the pregnancy, I could blame it on the spilled apple juice that made my kitchen all sticky, or the fact that in 9 weeks I will have another baby and my 9 month old is still in my bedroom, the fact that school starts in 14 days and so does my sub job, I could blame it on a lot of things. But the truth is I think I bring it on myself.

I can't get my head on straight these days. The tiniest thing makes me go completely berserk. I fly off the handle and it takes me days...weeks to get over it. I suffer, punishing myself for my stupid childish behavior, making excuses for why I am the way I am and then I just wear myself so thin that I can't even complete a simple daily task like serving breakfast to my children.

It is one thing to pray, but without the Word of God I sometimes get lost and confused and end up digging a deeper hole for myself. Some people go to the horoscopes but I go to the Bible.

And you know what? BOTH of my devotionals had a serious message for me today. It's like the Lord knew exactly what I needed to hear and he put in on the page in black and white for me. I am so glad He has a plan for me. I don't like to even think about where I would be without Him.

Fix your attention on God. You'll be changed from the inside out. Romans 12:2

Sin is ugly, isn't it? My favorite part of my church service is the confessions and absolution. I feel like a weight has been lifted from my shoulders after that. I can confess my sins at home, too. But, there is something to be said about saying it out loud and hearing the pastor say, "As a called and ordained servant of the Lord I hereby forgive your sins..." I feel clean for a few moments anyway. My sin separates me from my Father. I don't like that feeling. If I can focus more on Him and not on sinning I know my life will be better.

And whenever you stand praying, if you have anything against anyone, forgive him and let it drop (leave it, let it go), in order that your Father Who is in heaven may also forgive you your [own] failings and shortcomings and let them drop. Mark 11:25

If it feels so good to be forgiven and I personally know that feeling, why can I not forgive others? Jesus wants me to let it go and for some reason I hold on to this awful feeling that I am owed something from someone. How ridiculous am I? I want things my way. I ask for God's help but no matter how much I want it I will only receive it when I become willing to do things His way. The path of forgiveness is a rocky one. It is not easy.

So I read the Word and I feel renewed. Now, don't get me wrong any self-respecting woman would have colored her hair, ate some chocolate and called her sister, too. So I did. I feel much better now.

What happens when dh gets ahold of the camera...

This is in Oakland, CA. It is 30 some degrees out and about to rain. We are headed to the game when my dh decides to snap this photo. Very funny...not.

What's the moral of the story?

After a long weekend of being doped up on Wal-phed, ibuprofen, acetaminophen, and cough syrup I started up the old third vehicle to pick up the kids from preschool/kindergarten. There is a 20 minute layover between the time that #2 gets done and the time that #3 is released from school. The low fuel light came on while I was waiting so I decided to head the not quite 10 miles over to the nearest gas station and fill 'er up to kill the time. We were almost there when the truck stalled and I let her roll to a stop on the shoulder while I looked at the miles. I was sure I should have made it but the vehicle wouldn't even start. So, I told my 4 year old and 4 month old to hold tight and I would hike it the mile or so left to the station and call because, in my haste, I had left the cell phone on the kitchen counter (yet another reason not to make decisions while doped up on cough medicine). I stepped out into the SD wind and thought to myself what a bad idea this was. I made it only about 500 feet when a young man in a big truck rescued me and took both me and the kids home. Was it luck? I will let you decide. I think it was living in the village that saved me more than the luck. I am glad he stopped though. Some people may not have. It wasn't until I got home and started thinking about how bad it would have been stranded on the highway in below zero weather that I started trembling.

The moral of the story? Man I am glad I live where I live.
AND
I wish my little village could support its own gas station...

A HUGE thank you to Ryan from the Humboldt tire and automotive service for saving me and my children today. I thank the Lord for people like you. I wonder if you know what a blessing you are?

UPDATE: The van blew up on the way home from work today, too. Praise the Lord it wasn't me and the kids!

I am an idiot.

Just got my tax return rejected by the IRS because I entered #1's SS# wrong. This would be okay with me except for the simple fact that I did the exact same thing last year.

*sigh*

It's a good thing TEN isn't my lucky number...

Well, I finished my 2 mile walk in front of the t.v. despite #3 pooping before I hit a half mile. It made those deep cleansing breaths pretty difficult, though. I also got the stretchy band thing caught in my hair! Can you believe that? What an idiot! Good thing I don't believe that those are signs I should hang up the exercise hat.

My MSN news page highlights this article today, "Why forcing your kids to apologize is a bad idea." By Emily Bazelon - Slate Magazine.

It's 6:53 am the day after I posted how I was going to change my life this year and I have nearly sabotaged two of my resolutions. Way to go, me.

It's impossible to believe I have a minor in the English language.

Have you seen this clip yet? That is so me. I just let it fly these days. It's amazing my children don't think swearing is normal language. Wait, maybe they do...

http://jezebel.com/344950/diane-keaton-drops-the-f+bomb-on-good-morning-america