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In a funk.

Last night I went to bed at 6:30.

Heard from the pharmacy about the meds. Here is what I heard. Blah Blah Blah...Don't put the needle too deep in the muscle you could have awful side effects. Something about heart racing for more than 15 minutes. Call 911. Blah Blah Blah. Most women complain about tenderness in the injection site, especially in the thigh and hip areas. It's a lifelong condition. We are hoping to find a cure. Many people live long lives giving themselves injections 3x a week. 

Sure. 

I bet.

Wonderful.

Today I got the written notes from both the brain MRI and the cervical spine MRI.

It read something like this. Tiny lesion... small lesion...another small lesion...another small lesion. Plaques. Lesions.  Oh, and something about how they change with the contrast which I can only assume to mean that they are active. The only difference between the brain and the spinal was the location there was lots of C2, C3 C4 C5 in the spine and the brain talked about hemispheres and such. Good stuff. Really great vocabulary. I had to actually sound out some of the words. Love a challenge.

Great

Reading.

Material.

I'm not sure how to explain what I feel. I know I was already aware. But to see it in print with those words. Yuck. My tummy hurts. But really it should be my brain that hurts and I guess my neck.

Does it make sense that I am just tired? I mean about learning about it. It exhausts me. As much as they know, they don't know. They don't know if my lesions will stop or continue. They have no idea what my symptoms will be. They can't tell me how fast or slow the disease will progress. Who are they anyway? 

Then I find out a dear old friend is going through the same stuff. I mean her symptoms are, of course, not the same as mine. But her "they" is thinking the same as mine. I feel crappy for her. I feel crappy for me. 

But I know it's just another moment that has already been planned out. Another step in this crazy journey called life. 

Words of advice from some wonderful people who are going through the same thing I am. One day at a time. No other way you can actually do it. Sometimes it's one step, one breath, one blink at a time. 

Keep your chin up and your pockets full of  tissue.

Happy Ash Wednesday.