Am I lost?

I have no idea where I am or how I got here.

My tiny anti-normal life has been completely turned upside down.

I will give you four reasons why. Any guesses?

Yep, the bigs and the littles. SCHWEW!

This was our schedule yesterday afterschool...

345 girls on the run
4 cheer
430 piano
5 piano
630 football pictures
630 volleyball practice in a different town
7 football practice
7 city council meeting

I am surprised that I am able to get everyone where they need to be. Thankfully my dh is around to help out during the week. Although, last night, he did text me once during the evening asking me who I had with me :) Is is weird that I wasn't even alarmed?

I have things to write about, lots of things. As you know the birthday month is quickly approaching. But first, I have to find out where I am and where I am going next.

Miss you ladies :)

where is the comfort and joy

I can't stand losing control and every year at about this time I lose it. big. time.

While everything around me boasts love and merriment I am screaming on the inside.

The numbers are crunching in my head and it is clear there is not enough to go around. There is never enough and for 11 months out of the year I have no problem with it. But something dark takes hold of me in this season and makes me WANT what is not needed. It is as if I am brainwashed. I know it and I try to prepare for it but every year I fail to fully ignore it.

It is foolish and brings me only feelings of guilt and shame. There are a stack of boxes in my storage area just waiting to remind me of my selfish and immature heart. The kids have the "I want" flu and it hits every December. I justify every gift with excuses and foolish reasons when I should just say no.

Meanwhile the world is spinning faster and faster. My house is a mish mosh of projects from sheet rock repair to painting to trim. The rooms are disheveled. There is five gallon buckets of paint and piles of tools and sandpaper. My husband and I compete for space every day in the kitchen. He needs to finish his projects and I need to cook/clean/bake/prepare. The kids are cranky and fighting. They are begging to put up the tree. Where would we put it? In the center of the room? I can't imagine adding to the chaos. The calendar is chock full of parties, recitals, programs, cookie exchanges and sub days. Tell me why we have to do EVERYTHING in four short weeks? WHY? None of it is about Jesus. I just want it all to be over and done.

Today Addi cut a chunk out of Nora's hair. A CHUNK about 4 inches long and 2 inches wide. The thing is, NO ONE NOTICED. I was at school all day. Dad was busy with projects. Maleah took out Nora's braids for a bath and with the braid came hair, a lot of it. Maleah was shocked and her face was priceless. I think she thought she had done it by taking the rubber band out. Addison announced that she cut Nora's hair with the scissors she found. We still don't know when or where it happened. But there it is, a spike of one inch long hair right on top of her head, just waiting to be photographed thousands of time in the next few weeks. Forgive me that, " it'll grow back" doesn't make me feel better.

At night as I stand in the hallway and point to their bedrooms I pray that I will have time tomorrow to tell them the story, to get out the nativity, to have a conversation with them about the reason for the season. Then, tomorrow comes and I am even more tired and even more lost and even more sad and the whole cycle just keeps me further and further away from the truth.


This is the time of the year when I am supposed to be joyful and at peace and anxious for celebration and all I can think of is what needs to be done, what I haven't checked off the list. It weighs on me and makes me crabby.

So much of what I feel comes from wanting control of things, my children, my home, my life. I know this. I feel the tug of temptation. I know it stems from the darkest of places. Why can't I just ignore it?

This therapy of mine (writing) seems like it doesn't do the trick anymore. I went through Monday without one thought of thankfulness this week. Sigh.

I am feeling pretty bad about myself today. Problem is my mood sets the tone of the house and my mood has got to get moving up. I pray that the next time I have the time to sit and plunk out some words they will be positive ones.

something good

Shh...Don't tell my mom I slipped the brace off for a minute to post. I am going through major blog withdrawal. The pain is worth it. I have an ice pack here to rest on inbetween paragraphs.

I want to get this MSG version of the Holy Bible. I am going to start looking for it. When I read one of the verses in my daily Scripture devotions I always love the way it speaks so lay person like.

This is the recent verse that I just loved;

God's Spirit is right alongside helping us along. If we don't know how or what to pray, it doesn't matter. He does our praying in and for us, making prayer out of our wordless sighs, our aching groans. He knows us far better than we know ourselves...and keeps us present before God. That's why we can be so sure that every detail in our lives of love for God is worked into something good. Romans 8:26-28

I have had a blessed couple of weeks. So many I can hardly count them. I wish I would have plunked them out for the last two Monday multitude posts. Ridiculouly blessed I am again and forever.

I am baking cookies right now with one of my blessings, a new in the box kitchen aid mixer for lots less than the retail price. I have used it every day since Ryan has brought it home, which may account for the right hand swelling. It's perfect timing since October is the month of brithdays in our family.

In the oven today...a brand new original recipe from Coconut and Lime, Chocolate Chip Oatmeal Pumpkin cookies. She just posted it today. I did make a tiny bit of alterations adding my fall colored m&m's with chocolate chips and substituting flax seed for eggs when I tripled the recipe. YUMMY! And they have no oil or butter, so it's a DIET COOKIE!!!!! Think cakey, moist chocolaty sconeish type cookies...perfect for fall, ya'll!

It is gorgeous today! Go for a walk! Then reward yourself with two of these cookies:)

Housekeeping

Hello faithful Mommyville readers. This is my 1064th post! Can you believe it?

I appreciate you so much I wanted to make this blog more user friendly.

I spent a few hours this morning adding page tabs on the top of the blog. Click on each page to learn more...

I finally figured out how to archive by years so my posts are now organized a bit more. If you want to look up a certain event, for example SpudFest 2009. Just click on August 2009 to bring up all the post from that month. I hope this is helpful.

I wanted to organize my cancer posts into an easier spot but I haven't quite figured out how to label everything consistently. For the time being, if you want to read cancer posts you will either have to go back to June 2006 and scroll through them by date, click on the word cancer, chemo, health care etc. in the label cloud or if you remember a word or something from a post you are looking for like "village", you can search through ALL my posts by typing that key word into the bar at the top of Mommyville (on the blogger header by the orange square with the letter B in it.

For recipes it seems I have not been consistent in labeling them, but you can always click on the label recipe or recipe's or just use the search bar and type in a key work like zucchini.

Also at the end of each post I have included buttons to share any of my posts by email, blog, Twitter, Facebook or Google buzz. Also you can leave your reaction to each of my posts anonymously :) Fun!

Thanks for hanging out with me all these years. It has been a blast. Check out the deal page for my most recent found "can't pass it up" deals.

surprise

Spamified

I am getting a lot of spam comments on the blog so I had to put word verification up for a while. Sorry for the inconvenience. Please feel free to still post your commments. I appreciate your patience...

A little behind

Yes, I am still reading the Twilight series.

I am stuck in #3 and can't get past it. It's not really my genre, but I am trying.

Yes, I have new recipes to share, but first I have to take care of the 5468 cucumbers, 752 peppers and a handful of tomatoes, broccoli and zucchini that my garden insists on producing. I absolutely cannot stand veggie abortions.

Ryan's birthday is Saturday, I have to find a sitter so I can take him out for some seafood.

I have THREE birthdays to plan for in October, plus one niece one best friend and college roomie and one sister in law. Gavin is 6 on the 8th, Nora will be 1 on the 15th and Addi is 2 on the 25th.

I am trying to keep up the pace, but I feel one step or actually about a hundred steps behind.

Hope you are keeping up!

Seven loves...

I'm in. Tagged by my lovely blog girlfriend Karen...

Seven things I love;

1) surprises - yep I am all for not knowing what the sex of the baby is, surprise parties, surprise get out of the house days, surprise naps...if you want to visit just stop on by and surprise me - I get too stressed out trying to plan the perfect time

2)shoes - I have too many, but I love them all, slippers, boots, flip-flops, heels- I am an equal opportunity shoe buyer and that probably goes for purses, too and books and earrings and...

3)singing - I love to sing. I am always making up songs for the kiddos or humming an old tune, I have a really good poopy song I'll share with you all someday, I know you just can't wait for it

4)reading/learning - I read everything, the cereal box, the shampoo bottle, the school calendar, the paper, blogs, books, and the Bible - I should say I love vocabulary, it's the words that get me and learning - I could go back to school in minute, I love learning new things, I still don't know what I want to be when I grow up

5)cooking/baking/canning - I really think it takes my stress away to work in the kitchen I love it more than I ever thought I would. I don't know what I like better, hearing the kids say,"mmmmmm" after I throw together a new recipe or looking at my cabinets full of beautiful jars... now the mess/clean up is a totally different story

6)chocolate - milk, dark, semisweet it don't matter I wuv it all

7)my awesome God - singing and praising and praying and thanking Him for his grace and mercy on my poor, miserable, sinful, life - AMEN

It ain't over

It's November, kids. But we are still celebrating the last day of October and we have been for over a week. The kids have been (and still are) dressing up and 'trick or treating' at each others bedroom doors for candy. This morning they put the one year old Addison in the stroller and 'mom and dad' (Maleah and Gavin) went to the store to 'buy candy for the trick or treaters'. They made a haul on Friday night. It was beautiful here and the little spooks were out in full force. I was out of candy by 8 pm. The local family diner had a haunted house and free supper. Dh's sister took the kids and they had a ball. I had this adorable felt treat bag for Addi to use but she demanded a plastic pumpkin like her older brother and sister. She is stubborn. have. no. idea. where. she. gets. it. My husband jokes that the smaller you are around here the more apt you are to get your way and fast.

*You may have noticed I used names, I am tired of calling my little ones numbers. I am putting it all out there, laying my cards on the table so to speak. The new baby is Nora, by the way.

Every piece is a part...

of His plan, that is.

Friday, I had a Dr. appointment. They are pretty much routine now. This pregnancy is a little bit different than my others because I have the opportunity to participate in a research project called Safe Passage. The USD medical research department and Sanford Hospital along with South Dakota and another Midwest state and (get this) South Africa are doing research on SIDS. It is pretty interesting stuff. I pretty much just lay there and visit with the research assistant while they monitor the baby and ask me a few questions. When the baby is born, they will do a few quick and painless tests on him/her and that will be it.

I met a new assistant this time and we got to talking and wouldn't you know it? She is a cancer survivor. She blogged about it, too. She's two years out, just like me. She has two children. We have a lot of similarities. We spent the whole hour talking about how blogging was like therapy for us. It felt like those 60 minutes went by in a flash. The hospital is opening a new infusion center in a few months and she is on the planning committee for it so she was asking me if I had any suggestions. It was actually nice reminiscing about something that wasn't so pleasant. I believe strongly that going through it changed my life, for the better. There was so much growth in those 6-12 months. I can't really explain it. She is a Christian, too. That was the real clincher for me. I just knew it was part of the Big Plan for me to meet her and visit with her. I soaked up her positivity and her strong commitment to others who are fighting the bully. I may even get on the list to volunteer at the center. I think I would find it extremely fulfilling and hopefully I could help others who are just starting or ending their fight. Maybe it's what I am supposed to do when I grow up? Only He knows for sure, but I am posting a note in my crazy momma brain to think about it a little more and seriously consider how I can be of service to others.

It's about time... my ten resolutions.

It's nearing the end of January and I still haven't found the perfect resolution. This happens to me every year. I really want to find one thing to concentrate on improving about my life and I just can't narrow it down so this year I am going to try and do lots of little things and hopefully one or several with stick with me and I will be successful for once.

The early show on television always has lots of inspiring information.Since, I have an infant who nurses I tend to catch it quite regularly. This morning, in particular, it was packed full of useful suggestions. It had experts suggesting to refinance your home now while the rates are very low, not to treat your home like an investment but as a place to 'live in'. It talked about saving money in stocks instead of making pricey home improvements. Everyone wants a bigger better home, now. It used to be the average home was less than 1000 square feet, in 2005 the average home had grown to over 2400 square feet. We justify needed more space for storage and things. One of my complaints about our home is that it is too small. If I wouldn't use one entire bedroom as a toy room and buy a lot in bulk we would have a lot more space. So, my goal is to get rid of the toys and shrink my pantry.(resolution number one) I want to clear my mind of remodeling the kitchen and adding a bedroom, when we really don't need the extra space. I made a mental note to converse with the main man about refinancing the house, too.

A blog that I frequent often, called the crunchy chicken, is currently in the middle of a project called (No Overeating While Attempting to Save The Environment (NOWASTE) I like the idea of cleaning out the cabinets while losing weight. Unfortunately one of my biggest pantry hogs currently is my cake mix collection. I currently have over 15 different boxes so I borrowed the Cake Mix Bible from the bookmobile and have been baking like a madwoman. Helping the storage but not the stomach so much. I have been adding my new 'secret' ingredient now when I am cooking. Flax seed was introduced to me by a fellow blogger and I was hooked immediately because I can get it locally. From the site;
'Flax is considered one of nature’s best sources of Omega 3 oils, which is believed to reduce the risk of several forms of cancers, lower cholesterol, stabilize blood sugars, strengthen the immune system, and reduce the risk of heart attacks. In addition, flax is an excellent source of lignans and fiber.'
I used crunchy's calculations to see what my target weight should be and almost fell out of my chair. I felt better adding doable things to my daily routine like doing sit-ups each night and doing an exercise DVD every day.(resolutions number two) I have been successful with implementing these small changes so far, although my first born keeps asking me, "mom, when are you going to get skinny?"

I like the idea of changing a small thing and making a huge difference. Like; helping my kids become more accountable for their actions by making them say they are sorry more often (like they mean it),(resolution number three) adding flax seed to our diet,(resolution number four) drinking more water,(resolutions number five) and eating more foods that grow in my garden and trees and eating less foods that are man made (resolution number six). I want to pray more and spend more time reading the Bible, too(resolution number seven). Last year I read more of God's Word than I have in a long time so I hope I can at least maintain that in 2008.

We spent all day Monday re-arranging the house. It was fun. I got rid of a ton of clutter and several bags of clothing in the process. We swapped the furniture in our two family rooms and I completely redecorated the basement. We finally put nails in the wall. I am so proud of us. It feels good to be organized again, even if it may be short-lived. I used to know where everything was when there were only four hands to move things in this house. Another goal for 2008; LESS IS MORE.(resolution number eight) I don't want more things, I want the house to be less cluttered and more open to drop in visitors. I love having people over but hate the embarrassment of a cluttered and crazy house. Clutter I can change, the crazy comes with the three members under 6.

I am going to do my part about going green, too. (resolution number nine)I failed miserably in the no paper napkin and paper plate project I started earlier this month. I bought napkins a week after trying to go without. We are going with out paper plates, but only because they haven't been on sale. I really want to use real plates but I think you all know how often the dishes get done around here. We would never eat. (at least that would help with the losing weight goal I have) We have replaced light bulbs in the house with more efficient ones and I try to save energy as much as I can the heater is never past 68 although I cheat and use the fireplace when I my toes are frozen. I use the coffee grounds and egg shells for the garden in the summer. I make a point not to buy so many convenience foods with all that throwaway packaging. We need to work together as a family to not waste so much. This is going to be tough on us. I plan to use recycling and reusing as teaching lessons with my children.

Most importantly, I resolve to be less stressed.(resolution number ten) My family suffers most when I am stressed. I am one of those people who is screaming at her kids when the phone rings and I answer it like I am Mrs. Congeniality. I am going to make a point to not let little things get me. When the milk is spilled, I will say, "oh well, accidents happen". I will not feel guilty about spending all afternoon trying to teach a four year old how to play connect four. I will feel blessed to have a sink full of cold dirty dishes. I will smile more. I will tickle more. I will stop comparing my life to others.

This post is mostly for me, so that I can come back later and see how well or not so well I am doing. I probably won't even remember thinking these things so putting it in print is my 'now you have to follow through with it 'cuz it's in print'. 2008 is gonna be great!

Turn me on...

Positive Reinforcementcard courtesy of indexed

I love my hubby...

this is my kinda fun...

Okay, I read a lot of blogs. In fact, blog reading has replaced most of my other reading altogether.

But, I still love to write. I used to journal everyday. Now I blog every once in awhile.

There are some really great writers out there. I love to read their stuff.

This is my new, favorite for the moment, blog from an mommy who also loves to write. Today's post is a story that her child wrote. She has recipes, craft ideas, she even has writing contests. I entered. You should, too.

Click on the link to find out all the rules and the topic for this month. HAPPY WRITING and READING!

November's Write-Away Contest

UPDATE: I just was reading her archives and she has COOL crafts for all you crafting sisters out there...you have to click on her craft tag to see the old posts...knitting, book and placemat purses, beading, you name it...

blogger elbow?!? OUCH

For the past couple of days my left elbow has been sore. It feels like a bruise, yet there is hardly any evidence of one. I even asked my hubby to take a look at it last night, it was so sore.

Then this morning, as I sat down to the computer with my hot coffee and opened the 35 blogs I try to read daily into tabs, I leaned forward to start reading and realized that I have been setting my left arm on the edge of the computer desk. The sore part matches perfectly with the spot I was leaning on.

Hmmm, how ridiculous would I look wearing elbow pads while reading blogs at the computer?


****This blog will be temporarily interrupted by a quick weekend trip to Texas with my mother and sister. Have a super weekend everyone. I will blog back next week.

I am only two more kids away from this....

***update, she has 6 children, not five, I am barely half-way there...thank goodness.

A witty eBay listing attracts worldwide attention.

here is her blog link ... Because I said so

Warning! Do not read if your bladder is full. Unfortunately, I know this from experience.

yeah, what she said...

I read a lot of blogs. I started doing this over a year ago and now I am hooked. Morning coffee, thirty some odd blogs to read and I get on with my day. One of the newest blogs I have gotten hooked on has an amazing author who is undergoing chemo for IBC and she describes how what I call my blog 'therapy' is like in better words than I ever could, here is a snippet.

I’ve found a community.

I’m amazed and overwhelmed at the depth of this community, as I find new blogs every day (or you find me) that blow me away with their wisdom, their humor, their insights into the minutae of daily life that reveal our innermost selves. I feel as if I’ve stepped through the looking glass and found a treasure trove (to mix my metaphors) of womenfolk waiting, blogging, each of us at our own computers and during our own children’s naptime, or respite from housework, or spare moment at the office, to discuss, to banter, to reminisce, and to offer a hug when it is needed most.

It’s hard to explain my affection for blogging and blogfriends to those not intimately familiar with it, but I think it goes something like this.

I’ve always been sure to have a metaphorical and physical space for my own work. A place where I felt comfortable spreading out, reading, writing, and leaving things on the table when I’m done. The Room of One’s Own that Virginia Woolf described has been critical to my thinking and writing throughout the years.

But blogging. Blogging is even better. Blogging is the window in the room.

It’s as if one day last August I walked into my room, turned on the lamp, and suddenly noticed the window on the far wall, where none had been before. When I opened the curtains, the room was flooded with light and warmth, and I could hear a chorus of voices spilling through. I looked out, and discovered an amazing view — not the restful mountains or the popular beach — but a courtyard, filled with children of all ages, laughing, playing, crying, inventing, growing up together, and a sea of other windows — moms — each in a room of their own, writing their own lives, but pausing intermittently to check on the children and to be inspired by them and the women who love them. The windows are close enough that we can call to each other on the spring breezes when we are stuck, when we have something to celebrate, when we have something to mourn.

And it’s a beautiful way to live.

go see her full post, titled "Internet Vacation" at Toddler Planet