Water tastes like metal and juice like kerosene so give me a Diet Coke!

Jitters, shakes, pins and needles have been dominating my day. I thought perhaps it was the leaded coffee I have been drinking since my body is more accustomed to the half-caf or completely unleaded. I just can't get rid of it. I woke up and felt too woozy to take a shower, can you imagine? The thought of hot water on me made me want to hurl. So I updid the hair, rewashed the face and brushed the teeth before we headed to the big city. My dd was so excited to get her hair cut, did I teach her to be so vain? How can I strive to be such good and moral person and still love bling and pedicures? It will never cease to amaze me. She looks adorable nonetheless and I can't wait until she stops asking me every five minutes..."Is my hair still short mom?" mmm hmmm. Those of you with four-year olds going on 14 know what I am talking about. My son actually shocked me this am as we were all preparing to go out the door he ran to the bathroom, grabbed a rag, soaked it in water, and pushed it up over his forehead forcing the 9 strands of hair that my husband insists upon leaving as bangs pointing straight to heaven. "I did my hair today," he exclaimed as he proudly pointed to his reflection in the mirror. I laughed so hard I almost peed my capris.

My dh brought me home some spray for dry mouth called Oasis. It tastes sort of like a watered down mint mist. I think it works, but I am not for sure yet. My taste buds are so outta whack. I am hungry every two hours. I have got to remember to pack snacks, I think that's why I get the shakes when I am out and about, I need a boost to get me through the afternoon hours. This afternoon I had cinnamon sugar toast and that hit the spot. I was reminded of the yummy snack while watching the little kindergarteners climb onto the school bus after school today. I am sure anyone who saw me thought I was nuts, being almost brought to tears by such a normal everyday sight. I could smell the hay in the barn where I stood on the steps while my mom snapped a photo of me on the first day of school. As I watched my daughters friend wave through the window with his face pressed to the rectangular window, I was reminded of my own long rides home on the big yellow bus, I remember waving to my brothers and sisters as I left in the morning and again as soon as we cleared the final hill and I could see the hundred year old farm house in the dusk. In the winter mom would have a pot of hot milk boiling and maybe some homemade bread. As I got older mom took a night job and making the afterschool snacks became my responsibility which is when they became more simple. Man, I feel old, but what a good memory.

Something new every time...

I think the hardest thing about this whole ordeal is the inconsistency of my reaction to each treatment. Each time it is very different and that makes it hard to plan your life around. Tuesday evening was my roughest night in awhile. I spent most of the night and early morning pacing the bathroom waiting for something to happen. Finally after listening to my stomach for over an hour I decided maybe I was hungry. So I had a bowl of cereal and felt much better. I can't even translate my own symptoms! I went to bed about 4:30 am and slept until 9 on Wednesday morning. I was tired yesterday, but that was it. I did pop a couple of Zofran to keep the nasties away. Last night I slept like a rock. I went to bed about 10:15 and just woke up just now, at 7:45. Because I never know how my body will react to chemo, this time I made plans. We are going into the big city to get my dd a haircut and meet a friend for lunch, then I am due back here to help out a bit at the daycare. I think it's actually easier when I have something planned. I just tell myself you gotta get up and go, you got things to do. Otherwise I may just crawl back into bed and be miserable all day. Other things that are new this time; watery eyes and dry mouth. I know I'll get through this, but it would be a whole lot easier if I knew what to expect each time. My dh works today and then has the weekend off. The weatherman is predicting rain, which doesn't bother me. My oncologist said his biggest fear for me right now is West Nile. He said that there isn't a documented case of West Nile in a chemo patient and he doesn't want me to be the first. He suggested staying inside and if I have to go out, wear bugspray with deet. I can't believe August is over. This summer has flown by, hopefully the rest of my treatment goes just as fast.

Knowledge from the WWW

I am icky queasy tonight and wanting to take my anti-nausea meds early, but first I thought I'd take a look online at the side effects. Needless to say, the internet just saved my life. Don't really feel like overdosing so I will drink lots of water to flush my system instead. Thank you Lord, for knowledge for with it brings power to change our minds.

Chemotherapy, Round 4 (eight more to go)

Took my mother today to treatment, dh had to work and the kids went to daycare. It was a 9 o'clock which is pretty late so we didn't even get started till almost 11. It went smoothly but made for a long day. Mom taught me how to crochet and I am making a gift for a dear friend of mine. It is so easy. I love it. I laughed because before cancer I would have never had the patience to sit and learn such a craft. I am just not a patient person, or was not. My mom had to giggle, too, she said she would have never even thought of teaching me before....just goes to show that God knew what He was doing. I am a more patient, more compassionate, more educated, more open minded person which is an awesome trade off for a few chemo treatments and a surgery or two. My body heals fast and my soul is fed forever. Praise the LORD!
My precious children had an awesome day and were in such good care, they came home using words like short and long in a sentence. My son told me a story about his picture that he colored. He even named all the people in it. It brought tears to my eyes. One of my main priorities when I chose to become a sahm (stay at home mom) was to use my education degree to the fullest extent and make little geniuses out of my children, needless to say I have failed big time on that goal. I hardly play with them anymore, I always have some excuse...I'm tired, or I'm busy or I have to clean up. What is the matter with me, why can't I just stop and hold them? I think that is the thing I miss the most, just grabbing them up and holding them. I am just now getting enough strength to attempt it and man does it feel good. Praise the LORD, again!
A super amazing gift from God friend turned me on to another spectacular blog today. I think the blog is replacing coffee time in my generation, we are all too busy with our everyday to get together so we talk to each other through writing about our daily experiences. Isn't it amazing how someone else's day can affect our emotions. I love blogging. We never even see or hear each other, but we feel like we are true friends.... I read some where that a friend is someone you can sit with for awhile and not say a word and walk away feeling like you had the best conversation ever. I feel that way about reading other people's snipit's of our daily walks in life. They are really amazing conversations between friends that don't even know each other. Praise the LORD a third time. AMEN!

Praise God from whom all Blessings Flow

I tried, just now, to lie down again. I am exhausted but my heart is full and my dh and I are still shocked and overwhelmed at what we have experienced together. We have come to the conclusion that God was here this weekend. His presence could be seen or felt in every person who came to our tiny community to share in the most amazing thing that has ever happened to us. There is simply no other explanation for the awesome blessings we have received from our family, friends and neighbors. Blessings are unexpected acts of kindness. We could have never expected the outpouring of support that culminated in Saturday's activities. I am so full of thanks. I am overflowing. Gratitude is the heart's memory. Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away. I cannot catch my breath. I need oxygen. God is great, God is good. Every single moment of yesterday will be with me forever. There are so many emotions that I cannot get a hold of right now. My husband and I keep asking ourselves, are we worthy of such blessings? It is so difficult to comprehend the magnitude of what we are going through. Every day we thank God for our family and for what we have. Through the process of my illness we have realized that there is so much more to life. We have rearranged our priorities. We have taken our worries and our stresses to the Lord in prayer. I have all these numbers chasing each other in my head. The overdraft amount, the two bills from x-ray and lab I received on Friday, the car payment that is 15 days overdue, another treatment on Tuesday means another tank of gas and more prescriptions...I could go on and on. In one afternoon and evening, a pickle jar of free will donation, a silent auction, a bean bag tourney, a spectacular event organized by amazing and talented people, my fear has diminished and I am comforted by the peace that comes from knowing that through the graciousness and mercy of many, many compassionate and loving people I am going to be okay. My children are going to be okay, my husband can breath easy and sleep soundly because we have been touched by the angels who live here on earth. I can't explain how or why it happened but it did. It's not easy accepting this. It is painful and we have tremendous feelings of guilt and unworthiness. The thing that keeps me going is the faces of those who were there, the strong hugs, the kind and encouraging words, the tears. Every person made me feel as if they were rooting for me. It feels like the 'big game' and my cheering section is the entire stadium. I've said it already but I'll say it again. How can I not beat this?
"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding" - Proverbs 3:5

the Dance

Boogie Woogie!

the People.

The power.