Sunday, May 27, 2007

Nights, nephews, nightmares, and nosy neighbors.

Dh is on the night shift this weekend, this means he sleeps all day gets up and goes to work around 6 pm. He arrives home the next morning shortly after 8. It is really hard on us, especially when we have to be quiet during the day so he can get the rest he needs. It has been particularly difficult on my ds this week, as he has been getting up in the morning and sitting by the patio door holding his baseball and bat anticipating daddy's return. Dad is usually really tired after nights especially 3 or 4 in a row, sometimes I wonder how he makes it all the way home. We try to go about our weekend without him, but it is so hard not to want him to participate since he is just inside the bedroom door. I try to keep the kids busy with activities and outside play, that is the nice part about this time of year. I tend to get a lot of cleaning done, except vacuuming, of course.
Yesterday my nephew turned 1 and we went to his party and made it home just minutes before dad had to leave for work. I could tell dad felt left out and I wished I would have tried to make it home a bit earlier so we could have at least sat down at the table together for a 'family', which is what my dd calls it when we all sit down for a meal together.
Last night I started coughing before I fell asleep and I got scared. Moments of the past year flashed before my eyes. The ct scan, the doctor's office, the pet scan, the surgery, the chemo, the baby's ultrasound. I immediately wondered what the future holds for me and my cancer and my family. Waiting until after the baby comes is a bit trying on my limited amount of patience. I want to be sure that chemo stopped every bit of the cancer. I don't want to have this baby and then find out I have to do chemo all over again. Can I nurse the baby on chemo? Probably not. I wish I could fast forward to November. Then again, I should be enjoying these moments with my two children before another one comes and the house becomes crowded. I know God knows what He is doing, but sometimes I wish I could trust Him more and not get so worried about things.
Today I was in a groove and I started doing some much needed spring cleaning, tossing outdated food, lotions, medications and makeup. I was really plugging along when the phone rang. I won't tell you what I said under my breath as I pried my body up and hobbled to the phone. It was the neighbor, "I am being a nosy neighbor," she began "Your kids are outside playing in the vehicles and I think your son may have started one." I don't remember if I said goodbye, I ran out the door and grabbed the keys from him. Thank God for nosy neighbors.
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