Wednesday, August 06, 2008

The painful path...

I completely lost it this morning at the breakfast table. I broke out into full blown slobbery cryingness. I had to hide my face for fear of scaring the youngsters so I hid in the bathroom for awhile.

My emotions are crazy these days. I'm up, I'm down and I am both at the same time. I could blame it on the pregnancy, I could blame it on the spilled apple juice that made my kitchen all sticky, or the fact that in 9 weeks I will have another baby and my 9 month old is still in my bedroom, the fact that school starts in 14 days and so does my sub job, I could blame it on a lot of things. But the truth is I think I bring it on myself.

I can't get my head on straight these days. The tiniest thing makes me go completely berserk. I fly off the handle and it takes me days...weeks to get over it. I suffer, punishing myself for my stupid childish behavior, making excuses for why I am the way I am and then I just wear myself so thin that I can't even complete a simple daily task like serving breakfast to my children.

It is one thing to pray, but without the Word of God I sometimes get lost and confused and end up digging a deeper hole for myself. Some people go to the horoscopes but I go to the Bible.

And you know what? BOTH of my devotionals had a serious message for me today. It's like the Lord knew exactly what I needed to hear and he put in on the page in black and white for me. I am so glad He has a plan for me. I don't like to even think about where I would be without Him.

Fix your attention on God. You'll be changed from the inside out. Romans 12:2

Sin is ugly, isn't it? My favorite part of my church service is the confessions and absolution. I feel like a weight has been lifted from my shoulders after that. I can confess my sins at home, too. But, there is something to be said about saying it out loud and hearing the pastor say, "As a called and ordained servant of the Lord I hereby forgive your sins..." I feel clean for a few moments anyway. My sin separates me from my Father. I don't like that feeling. If I can focus more on Him and not on sinning I know my life will be better.

And whenever you stand praying, if you have anything against anyone, forgive him and let it drop (leave it, let it go), in order that your Father Who is in heaven may also forgive you your [own] failings and shortcomings and let them drop. Mark 11:25

If it feels so good to be forgiven and I personally know that feeling, why can I not forgive others? Jesus wants me to let it go and for some reason I hold on to this awful feeling that I am owed something from someone. How ridiculous am I? I want things my way. I ask for God's help but no matter how much I want it I will only receive it when I become willing to do things His way. The path of forgiveness is a rocky one. It is not easy.

So I read the Word and I feel renewed. Now, don't get me wrong any self-respecting woman would have colored her hair, ate some chocolate and called her sister, too. So I did. I feel much better now.
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