Fifty-seven

That's how old he would be today. He, being my father. It's been over 16 years since his death. Odd, since sometimes I can remember him as clearly as it was yesterday.

When I am slicing a potato and I choose one piece and salt it and pop it in my mouth it reminds me of my dad making potato soup in the kitchen. He would share a whole potato with me while he stirred the pot on the antique teal gas stove.

When I drive the gravel road west of my mom's place and see the trees I think of cutting wood with my dad. He used to drive the little white datsun and I would take my sled and fill it up with the wood and pull it to the pickup.

Faintly, I remember him holding by my arms and swinging me and feeling the rough scrub of his whiskers on my face.

Teaching me to drive the datsun in the driveway is a vivid memory. I drove it right into the telephone pole. I still cannot figure out a stick shift. He still let me take it out on the road, though. He used to say look as far as you can into the horizon and just keep the car in the center.

Visiting dad on the job site was a treat. Watching him walk on his stilts with ease...it was amazing. I used to think he was magic. Once, he wore stilts in the homecoming parade.

I remember the sound of the saw. The smell of the sawdust. My dad's fingers smoothing the piece of wood and blowing the dust away. Sometimes I can still smell him. He was always building something. The barn was his workshop. We would swing from the long ropes into the piles of hay bales while he worked.

I remember his stories about going to high school in Los Angeles with famous people. I remember him telling me how much he loved to sneak in after school and run around the track until his sides hurt and then he would lift his arms and keep running until the pain went away. Now, as I type this, I wonder why my father spent so much time running at the track instead of going home.

I remember the first time I saw him cry. It was at his mom's funeral. We were in the middle of nowhere. I remember the dark parlour and the casket, I was too small to see in it. I remember him sobbing in my mom's embrace. I remember driving for a long time to see his step father.

Lots of memories. I remember him telling me"two fingers" while I poured the canadian whiskey into the glass and then added the coke and later in his life the pepsi. This was our morning ritual. As soon as I was old enough to reach the liquor cabinet I was hired as bartender. At the time it was a great honor, looking back it is sad.

I remember late at night lying on the floor listening through the vents to mom and dad fighting about money and his drinking.

I remember the year he got his big promotion and we got blue cross blue shield. Dad worked away from home for three weeks and then he was home for a few days. He was building a shopping malls. He even built some stores in the empire mall in Sioux Falls. It was wonderful to see my mom happy about being able to pay some debt and get some of us to the dentist and the eye doctor. I can't believe I never thought about how lonely it would be for her. I am lonely when my husband has three 12 hour shifts in a row.

Later as his addiction worsened the memories become dark and sad. I don't like thinking about those.

There is so much that I would love to share with my dad. My wedding, my first home purchase, little projects he and Ryan could have worked on together. The birth of my children. I wonder what his relationship with my kids could be like... if he had stopped drinking.

I watched him once, pour a whole cup of hot coffee in his lap. He thought he was drinking it. I watched his eyes turn yellow and his skin shrivel up. At forty something years old he looked like he was eighty. Yucky, awful memories I don't want to think about.

Every September 8th I am reminded of his life. Regardless of the choices he made he was my father. I would not be who I am without him. Happy Birthday Daddy! I can hardly wait to see you again.

oh PRAISE the One who paid my debt

I loathe doing the dishes. I procrastinate until we are down to the last fork and plate. It is really awful how much I avoid them. I beg the children to do them and offer bribes of money and ice cream but with the nice weather we have been having I can't get any one to commit. So, I have been forced to do them myself.

To help me get in "the zone" I crank my under the counter cd player up with some rockin tunes from audio adrenaline and kryptonite. I always turn it up loud and sort of lose my self in the song and the suds. I have had the same cd in for so long it has begun to skip. The music was a gift from someone when I was sick.

Anyway, last night I was washing and singing and something came over me. It was...I know it was the Holy Spirit, but it was so beautiful and amazing I don't want to ruin it with words that cannot fully describe the moment. I was so moved, my body was completely covered in goose bumps. I knew right after it happened that I wanted everyone to feel like this. I wanted to climb to the top of the mountains and shout it out loud, "HE washed it white as snow!"

It is so hard for me to imagine someone not knowing about Jesus. My life would be so empty, so completely worthless without God. I pray that everyone everywhere can hear about the debt that Jesus paid. I pray that everyone can feel His amazing love.

I googled the song and it seems I am not the only one who has had "a moment" with these words. I hope you can enjoy this one even if just for a moment.

As for me, I think I need to do a lot more talking about Jesus and for the time being a lot more sinks of dishes :) All to Him I owe! Amen.

Babies don't keep.

One year ago, tonight, I was lying the hospital trying to enjoy the free movies through contractions. Tomorrow morning my littlest will be one year old. It seems like this year went SOSOSOOSO fast. It feels like only a few days ago I was pregnant.

Today, while Addison slept, I played peekaboo and chase with Nora for a long while in the living room. She is so full of joy... and the giggles:) I adore her. I don't know where the time went this past year. She was just a tiny baby in my arms and now she is a little line-backer pushing her way to the front of the action. I studied her face her dark eyes and her chubby cheeks and I thought to myself how much longer do I have with her? How many more rockabye nights? How many more games of peekaboo? Not enough, I fear.

Every time I look at her, or anyone of my children I am reminded of how blessed I am. In the same moment my heart aches with the responsibility I have been trusted to. Last Sunday, Pastor reminded us of our responsibility as parents, as adults in society. He spoke from these verses.


And Jesus called a little child to Him,
set him in the midst of them, and said,
"Assuredly, I say to you, unless you are converted and
become as little children, you will by no means
enter the kingdom of heaven.
Therefore whoever humbles himself as this little child
is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven.
And whoever receives one little child
like this in My name receives Me.

But whoever causes one of these little ones
who believe in Me to sin,
it would be better for him
if a millstone were hung around his neck,
and he were drowned in the depth of the sea."
Matthew 18:2-6 New King James Version

Did ya catch that last part? Train up a child...what a responsibility? I have a lot of work to do.

I finally moved the crib out of our room. I am almost too embarrassed to write that, I never kept a crib in our room longer than the first few months with the older kids and with Addison and Nora we just waited too long. Dad is working nights this week so I thought I would put the girls in a room together and see what happens. Tonight is the first night. I put them both to bed, we prayed and I turned the light off. They gabbed a bit, it was so cute, and then silence. I hope the quiet means the night will go smoothly.

Listen to me mommies, they do grow up fast, too fast. Hold them tight while you can:)

I am thankful for all four of my beautiful little blessings, but tonight I am thinking about my little Lou Lou. Thank you, Lord, for Nora. Thank you for helping her grow (even if it seems like it is happening too fast)and for keeping her healthy and so adorably giggly and happy. Please bless her tonight in her 'new' room. Be with her and comfort her. She is an amazing and special blessing to our family. Help me teach her about Jesus so that she, too, can enjoy the gift of heaven. In your Holy Name, Amen.

Thirty- three years young...

To my husband, my best friend, my strength when I am weak, my taste tester, my leftover eater, my handyman, my reacher of all things high, my baby rocker, my vacuumer and sweeper when I am too big to do it myself, my comforter, my water getter, my coach, my hero...

May your boss give you tonight off and all the craftsman tools you have ever drooled over fall from the sky today but not hit anyone because that might hurt;) I love you...

Happy Birthday!

We celebrated 10 years of married life in Hawaii.

I love this man.

That's all folks...

It's been a heckuva week here at the tiny house in the village.

I had a wonderful, dare I say, reunion with my Bible study gals on Tuesday night. It was delicious. I wish I had the time to do that every week. We prayed and prayed and prayed. It was good.

Wednesday was the PET scan. On the way into the big city I remember that I forgot my sedative that the pharmacy filled the script for in early January and I have been staring at since in the vitamin cabinet. I hoped that I could keep from squirming long enough for that 1 hour wait and 30 minute scan. Grant me the serenity...

The nuclear med tech really knew his stuff this time and when I asked about putting the radiation in my port instead of poking around in my arm he jumped back and said, "ahem...well, we try and avoid sending radioactive material directly to your heart." Oh, yeah, I guess that would be smart, DUH! So then I was asking about nursing and he said breast milk is okay after it's frozen for awhile because radioactive material decays and it would be fine to offer it to her after being frozen a few days, but she could not nurse. Luckily I have weaned her off this month and we are done with breast milk. Oh, and since I was asking he also offered up the following advice, "You probably should avoid holding the baby for today at least, that radiation will centralize itself in the middle of your body (in the bladder) and she shouldn't really be exposed to that." Yeah, that makes sense. If you put me in dark room, I would have probably glowed.

One and a half hours later I was walking out the front door of the cancer center. It was short and sweet. During the agonizing 5 hour wait for the doctor to read my scans and my labs we went shopping for exercise equipment. It probably would have been a much more pleasant experience had the saleslady not been a 90 pound toothpick with hair, who politely said, "You look great for just having a baby..." My hair was matted to the back of my head, my makeup was smeared and I was wearing a hospital bracelet. Had it not been for my husband and the little munch kin in the carseat, she may have thought I just walked out of the mental hospital...

Finally we got to visit with Dr. Keppen. He announced the news with a disclaimer. The Hodgkin's is gone but... I guess the scan showed a spot on my left ovary. It could be a cyst. He was not sure and he stated that he really had no experience with any other cancers so I should get it checked out by someone else. Anyway, the Hodgkin's is gone. GONE! He wants to see me again in 6 months. That's the end of that.

Thanks again for the prayers and support over the last few years. You can close this case and call it a success. I am extremely grateful and passionately indebted to my God, my family, my friends and my community for the awesome ride to wellness.

May God Bless you all.

brotherly love...

Today at preschool #2 was learning about all the different people who love you, moms, dads, sisters and brothers...to which he matter of factly said, "my sister hates me."

They are currently in their rooms because of how much they have been showing their 'brotherly love' since we've been home from school today...

missing...one tooth

and she did it all by herself,

and school starts next week,

I might as well be planning her wedding....sniff, sniff

Thankful Thursday

I am thankful for my children.

9 years have passed already

Today is my anniversary. 9 years. Every year gets better and better. If I only knew way back then what we would encounter in our lives... I remember wondering what we would have to talk about after being together for so long. The thought of two beautiful children and one more on the way, cancer and many other obstacles never even crossed my niave little mind. Now, even more than ever, I am so in love with this man; I can hardly describe it.

The night before my thoracotomy I was scared. I feared for my life. I sat down and wrote letters to my husband, my children and my mother. It seems silly now, that I thought I wouldn't make it through the surgery. I did, and I thank the Lord for His amazing blessings on me every single day. Happy Anniversary, Honey. I love you the most, impossible!


Dear love of my life,

I have been so blessed to have you in my life. You are my best friend, my comforter. I love you so much.Our lives have changed so much since those first few years when I felt I could not go an hour or a moment without hearing your voice or holding your hand. I remember your soft touch and loving embrace when my father died, I remember you saying “I love you” for the first time. We have made it through so much, the birth of our children, the death of your grandfather, my father and grandfather. We have been to so many family weddings and celebrations I cannot even count them. There have been dark times, times when I thought we would not go on, but we did. You are always so strong and determined. Each time we have been able to forgive each other and move on. I want you to know that you are so much a part of me that I wonder how I may go on without you. If the Lord has chosen this to be my time, I will take a part of you with me. I will hold on to the love that we have shared for so many years and use it to guide me to heaven.You are an amazing man. You have so many strengths and talents. You are such a wonderful father to our children. Keep showing them the world like you do and sharing new experiences with them everyday. I love the way dd can be crying and you say something to her and she immediately breaks out in laughter. It is as if you know exactly how to make her happy. Ds admires you so much. He aspires to be just like you. He just needs someone to hold his hand as he takes those leaps into every new adventure. I hope that you can do that for him. I know that they will be amazing children because they have you as a father. You are so good at making things work, every time I was sure something was broken for good you came along and fixed it. I wish I had that knack. I mean, really who can buy a 25-year-old motorcycle for $20 and have it running in 24 hours? You can. You have put your blood, sweat, and tears into this home and it is perfect because of it. I will remember this house as our home forever. Thank you so much for your patience and kindness with my family and me. You have always been there when I needed you to be. My family is so important to me and you share that philosophy with me. Not all husbands would let their sister-in-law and her infant move in or allow a great grandfather to die in their home. Your family has been wonderful to us. I love being a part of a huge family. There is a massive amount of love and compassion that I can feel every time I need it. I am so blessed to have been a part of your life for as long as I have. I know that you will continue to bless those around you with your passion for life and your many, many talents. I know that this experience will only make you stronger and wiser and better prepared for the future. I know that you will become an even greater man and do many more wonderful and amazing things. I love you more than you could ever know.