Saturday, July 07, 2007

Ultrasound is not so ultra; another battle for my brain.

Doc says the picture of the baby was not conclusive enough to rule out some important things so we do a redo next time at my August visit. I had her feel the tiny knot in my abdomen and she says normally she would recommend a biopsy, but since I will be scheduled for a PET in November, we can wait. My weight is down to less than what I was at the first baby visit, she is slightly concerned. I am not. I have not really been feeling all that well. I am extremely tired and my tummy aches all the time. I am emotionally spent and taking it out on my family, and those whom I love the most. I am praying for strength and trying to spend my down time reading the Word and doing my Bible Study. I think it has been helping, but I am not strong enough most of the time and I give in and scream and yell instead of taking a deep breath and counting to ten. Sometimes I wonder if there is something wrong with me. I'd like to blame it on the chemo chemically altering me, but I had these tendencies before I got sick.

This this study I am in, "Battlefield of the Mind", is enlightening in that it reminds me of the devils power and his strongholds over me. I have to continue to try to think and say the right things and not fall into speaking or thinking evil thoughts. That is a LOT harder to do than you may think.I often want to just give up and crawl into bed and sleep the day away.I am continually praying and asking God for the help to get through my chaotic days. One of the things Joyce Meyer says in the book is; "You cannot have a positive life and a negative mind." I never realized how important my thoughts really are. THEY HAVE AMAZING POWER! It is frightening to me that my pessimism can affect how I live my life. In Proverbs 12:7 the author says; "For as he thinks in his heart, so is he..." YIKES! Here is another verse from Matthew that identifies us through our thoughts; "Either make the tree sound (healthy and good), and its fruit sound (healthy and good), or make the tree rotten (diseased and bad), and its fruit rotten (diseased and bad); for the tree is known and recognized and judged by its fruit." Matt 12:33

I have a lot of work to do. Thank goodness for a patient and kind God.
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