Oncology Dr.Visit

Tomorrow is our first official cancer doctor visit. My sister is bringing her 4 children to my house at 7 am so that I can leave in time for the appointment. We are nervous, anxious and excited to hear something, anything that may give us a glimpse into what the treatment will be like.

Today was a very good day. I felt strong and happy. We even went for a drive. It reminds me of that verse from, I can't remember where, This is the day that the Lord has made, let us rejoice and be glad in it. Isaiah, I think?!?! I will have to look it up later. I went to see Joel Olsteen earlier this year with my in-laws. He talked about how important it is to get up each morning and start the day NEW with that thought. The mind is a powerful thing. It can make you believe the worst possible or the best imaginable. I am going to try and keep positive throughout this ordeal. Maybe all these good thoughts will help me heal faster. Right?

Happy Thoughts

I slept like a baby. Went to bed before 10 and did not get up till almost 4 then went right back to bed until 8. GOD IS GOOD! (drugs really help, too.)

Dh's family left yesterday afternoon and we are back to a somewhat normal family again. The kids are so out of routine (like we had one anyway). It will be nice to have a sort of normal rest of the week. Actually the kids are still sleeping. Dh slept upstairs last night, and I thought I would be lonely, but I did just fine here in my hospital bed in the toy room. Awhile back I had the strange notion to use sticky tac and put up the kids' paintings on the walls so they could see them while they were playing. I am so glad I did it. It is so nice to wake up to orange and pink blobs that have no shape or substance but mean more to me than most of my possessions.

I almost felt like we couldn't do it, though. When my mother in law left, I felt scared and alone. She had made our meals and cleaned and took care of the kids. She even used my cherries to make a homemade cobbler. I kept thinking, how are we going to do it without her? She hugged me before she left and just matter of factly said, "you've got things under control here." I didn't believe her. But she was right, and the only way for us to get back to normal is to do it. So here we are.

Today I have a list of things to do. YES, I am one of those people. I LOVE lists. It feels to good to get it down on paper and then later cross it off. I have a terrible memory lately and writing things down just sort of make them cement, you know, unless I lose the paper, which I have done...

One of the things on my to do list is make a will. I have been researching it for a week or two now and I think I know exactly how I am going to do it. I want my dh to do it, too. Even if I wasn't sick, it would be a good idea. In my state, if my husband and I both died, our children would be wards of the state. That is NOT going to happen. So anyway, I am going to do it, just a simple one. I have nothing of value except my children and I want them to be cared for by a family member.

Had some nice phone calls and visitors last night. It really helps keep my spirits high.
I am drinking some fancy chocolate coffee that one of my friends brought and there is a pile of magazines and books that I am anxious to read this week. I am wearing new pajamas and I smell so good from this awesome lotion that I got. I have beautiful angels and flowers to look at and cards to read and reread. I have a home. I have two beautiful children. I have a too awesome for words to describe husband. I have tons of friends and family. Life is good, GOD IS GOOD!

"...He cares for you." 1 Peter 5:7

Two Steps Forward, 10 Steps Back

Knowing how many people are reading this is sort of affecting how I am writing. I wish it wasn't. I wish I could say that I don't proof and censor some of the thoughts, because that is what a real diary is for, but I can't say that. It's okay though, it makes me want to write better and positive things. It keeps my spirits high.

The naked truth about last night and this morning is; I AM A WRECK. Yesterday was weird anyway. I was trying to put a smile on my face and think optimistically and it just wasn't working. I really didn't have any reason to be grumpy or sad, but I was. I was bored, angry, lonely, pissed off and just plain unpleasant to be around. I moped around the house and tried to busy myself, I even finished a book. Yet, I couldn't shake that feeling. I know what some of you are thinking, she has a reason to be mad blah, blah, blah. But it just wasn't the fact that I was sick, it was something else. I don't know how to explain it. My side hurt more than it did the day before and NOTHING would take the pain away, I took medicine, tried to walk, sit, stand, eat, drink, read, watch t.v. It was just not going to go away. As the day progressed I tried to be 'normal', but ended up getting angry last night about something stupid and pouting all night. I went to bed crying and woke up the same way.

I thought maybe a shower would help, my dh helped me and I even shaved! Well most of it, anyway, I couldn't get under my left arm, so if you visit today, stand to the right of me. The shower was exhausting, it took over an hour and I don't feel any better. Not even lotion on my legs and arms could help me. I was bawling the whole time my dh was so gently trying to put it on my skin. I just can't shake that icky feeling. But, I am clean and I smell nice and I am wearing new pajamas that one of my thoughtful friends gave me yesterday. My husband mumbled something as he helped me get dressed. I couldn't hear him so I asked him to repeat himself. "I am glad I am not a woman," he said, "it's too much damn work....."

Happy Independence Day! I am completely dependent upon others and don't feel too much like celebrating, but I hope you all have a nice day.

Full circle, if you know what I mean

Well, if you read this everyday, you will be anxious to know that it happened last night about 6ish or so, after my dh had left for the ballgame. My mom was here and my baby brother and his wife came with their newborn. I thought after "it" happening, I would be better. Then it happened again, and again and just for good measure, again. After the first time I screamed to my mom through the bathroom door, "Woo Hoo" and my wonderful loving mother and brother and I think even his wife screamed back, "Woo Hoo". It was done. I felt good, then my mother had to go and ask the question, "was it big?" I thought about whether or not I should answer that question since it was really sort of embarrassing and what's the difference anyway, right? But, I did answer her. Just so you know. After my four visits to the bathroom I was feeling like a superwoman, I had energy and no more tummy ache. My brother and I celebrated with homemade chocolate chip cookies from my sister in law, I am not lying when I say this, they taste JUST like softbatch cookies from the store. My brother says, "how can she keep them so soft?", I reply, " I asked her once, I guess it's a family secret and if she told me, she would have to kill me." This morning I am regretting the cookies, if you know what I mean......

Yesterday was good, I got to see one of my email sisters. It was like a long lost reunion, she came down the steps to hug me and I was crying before she got her arms around me. It was good, she brought me PEACE, literally. I love her. I had the best conversation with her and then I was fading fast and she left. I slept well and woke up to her homemade brownies. They are the best brownies ever. They never last longer than a couple of hours in the pan. It was really good to see her.

I have been meaning to address the issue of visitors. So many people have said, I don't want to bug you, you need your rest. But, I have to be honest with you. I LOVE company. It keeps me positive. When I am alone the dark thoughts consume me and I get really down, but everytime someone is here, they say things like you are going to beat this, and I really feel like I can. I may be tired and even dozing off a little but please understand your company is very important to me; be it a phone call, a visit, or an email. Thanks so much.

My dh played ball last night. He pitched and they won! He is such a stud muffin. Go MUCKDOGS! After the game there were fireworks and the kids came home chanting..."more fireworks, more fireworks". I wish I could have seen them. Last year the kids were still a little frightened when they went off.

The kids both slept here last night for the first time since last Monday, almost a week. I think they will sleep in because they missed their beds. I am hoping for a good day without pain.......

Normalness; for a few hours at least

It has been so wonderful to be around my kids again. I missed them so much this last week or so. My son has asked me every day, "mom, are your owies better yet?' He is so thoughtful and considerate for a two year old.

Last night my inlaws came and we had an amazing supper with corn on the cob and chicken and potatoes and melon. YUMMY! I felt like I hadn't eaten in days. My son loves corn so much, he stood in his chair the whole time, he never even sat down to eat. He just stood and gobbled it up. It is so good to see him eat well, he has been such a picky eater lately.

After the meal we all retired to the backyard where my son and husband started a game of t-ball. The laughter was good medicine. He would hit the ball and run the bases, screaming "catch me daddy.." he was giggling so hard he could barley run, it was more of a toddle and he kept wiping out right before second base. He must have hit 20 home runs out of our yard. He probably ran a mile, he just wouldn't quit. He was having so much fun, I imagine he wanted it to last forever. We finally bribed him to slow down enough to eat an orange popsicle, but he was right back to it after his "snack".

It was humid so we came in and watched a bit of the discovery channel. There was a show about squids on and they showed over and over how the squid would use it's tentacle to catch fish. My son was pretty intrigued with the show and kept saying, "look, he got another one" every time a fish was snatched up by the squid. He was opening and closing bottles of lotion at the same time and smelling the scents and sharing the smell with his great aunt, so I didn't think he was really paying any attention to the t.v. But, later on, after I went to medication sleep land, my husband and his parent were out on the deck with my son and they were talking and playing when my ds (dear son) went to follow my dh to the garage and make a quick 360 back to the deck, he was pretty frightened and started mumbling something about the thing in the grass that was gonna get him. It took him a while to calm down. Upon further investigation, my dh saw a small pile of some long leaves from my hostas that he had removed earlier (they were damaged from our deck wash last week) and together in the dark, they did sort of look like a squid lying in the grass....
My dh is sharing this story with me as I am taking more meds at 3 am and we are both laughing and crying at the same time wondering why we even let the poor child watch such a scary t.v. show anyway.

Last night was good, I felt great actually from about 415 to 9ish, in between my medicated sleeping times. It was nice to relax and feel kind of normal for a few hours. My brother-in-law (I have 8 of them, so you never know who I am referring to-hehehe) brought over a hospital bed for me to sleep in (well, I guess that kind of narrows it down, doesn't it). It really helped me to relax, I slept for 4 hours straight and then after more meds another 3 or so. I can't believe how much a bed can make a difference. I can lower and raise the head and feet until I am perfectly comfortable.

My mom is researching something called a CHI- machine. I am not completely sure what it is. I do know that it uses heat and light and massage to "heal". She has used one before and is interested in finding out the benefits of using one while I am in chemo. I am all for something that would help me feel more relaxed and calm.

My dd (dear daughter) spent the night at Grandma's again. She told me matter of factly last night, "I just have to be with Grandma for a little longer, mom, then I will come live at home again, don't miss me too much, I will pray for you again!" She has been praying a lot lately. My mom taught her the 5 finger prayer. The thumb reminds us to pray for family; the pointer finger reminds us to pray for people who point like teachers and pastors and policemen; the tallest (middle) finger is to remind us to pray for leaders like the president, the mayor and the governor of our nation, state, communities and committees (when teaching this to my in-laws, my dd just raises one finger at a time and when she got to this one and said, "this finger is for the president" my mother in law snorted and said something like " I agree with you on that one", we all just about fainted from laughing); the ring finger is your weakest finger and should remind you to pray for the weak and the sick and the people who need God's help and forgiveness; last is your pinky finger, the smallest to remind you to pray for yourself.

Breakfast was another feast and I think I must lay down for a bit and digest. I am fearful for the time when all of this eating comes full circle, that hasn't happened yet. Sorry if that is a little too much information. You don't have to read this, you know.....

Need Washing?

Pretty tired and want to go to bed here shortly but I wanted to share this email with you. I got it today and it just hit the spot. I sometimes read these and sometimes I skip over them, because I am so busy. I think we should all slow down and take time to read inspirational stories, they open our minds and our hearts and I think we "grow" each time we read one. I hope it rains again tonight, I may just go take a walk in it.....

NEED WASHING??
A little girl had been shopping with her Mom in Target. She must have been 6 years old, this beautiful red haired, freckle faced image of innocence. It was pouring outside. The kind of rain that gushes over the top of rain gutters, so much in a hurry to hit the earth it has no time to flow down the spout. We all stood there under the awning and just inside the door of the Target. We waited, some patiently, others irritated because nature messed up their hurried day. I am always mesmerized by rainfall. I got lost in the sound and sight of the heavens washing away the dirt and dust of the world. Memories of running, splashing so carefree as a child came pouring in as a welcome reprieve from the worries of my day. The little voice was so sweet as it broke the hypnotic trance we were all caught in "Mom let's run through the rain," she said. "What?" Mom asked. "Lets run through the rain!" She repeated. "No, honey. We'll wait until it slows down a bit," Mom replied. This young child waited about another minute and repeated: "Mom, let's run through the rain," "We'll get soaked if we do," Mom said. "No, we won't, Mom. That's not what you said this morning," the young girl said as she tugged at her Mom's arm. This morning? When did I say we could run through the rain and not get wet? "Don't you remember? When you were talking to Daddy about his cancer, you said, 'If God can get us through this, he can get us through anything!" The entire crowd stopped dead silent. I swear you couldn't hear anything but the rain. We all stood silently. No one came or left in the next few minutes. Mom paused and thought for a moment about what she would say. Now some would laugh it off and scold her for being silly. Some might even ignore what was said. But this was a moment of affirmation in a young child's life. A time when innocent trust can be nurtured so that it will bloom into faith. "Honey, you are absolutely right. Let's run through the rain. If GOD let's us get wet, well maybe we just needed washing," Mom said. Then off they ran. We all stood watching, smiling and laughing as they darted past the cars and yes, through the puddles. They held their shopping bags over their heads just in case. They got soaked. But they were followed by a few who screamed and laughed like children all the way to their cars. And yes, I did. I ran. I got wet I needed washing. Circumstances or people can take away your material possessions, they can take away your money, and they can take away your health. But no one can ever take away your precious memories..So, don't forget to make time and take the opportunities to make memories everyday. To everything there is a season and a time to every purpose under heaven. I HOPE YOU STILL TAKE THE TIME TO RUN THROUGH THE RAIN. They say it takes a minute to find a special person, an hour to appreciate them, a day to love them, but then an entire life to forget them. Take the time to live!!! Keep in touch with your friends, you never know when you'll need each other -- and don't forget to run in the rain!
Hope you enjoy-

Honey, I'm Home!

Yesterday took it all out of me. For the first time in a long time I did not even have the energy to check my blog or messages last night. I just needed some rest and it was nice that the house was empty except for my nurse, I mean husband. He slept on the hideabed and took care of me like a trooper again. I don't know how he does it, I couldn't put up with someone like me.

A couple of housekeeping things this morning. I was UNABLE to check email while in the hospital, so those of you who have been faithfully emailing, THANK YOU and I will get back to you shortly. I intend to post at least once a day to this blog, but I have to tell you my old faithful computer chair is not as comfortable as it used to be. I am not sure how often I will be emailing, but I will try to get back to you all. It wasn't that bad, only 33 messages!

Okay, well the 'pain management' didn't go well yesterday. At least that's what I thought. We were told by the doctor who operated on me that I could go HOME! We got excited, but I really wanted to make sure I could handle the pain so we tried some new drugs, valum - diazepem, I thought it would make me very happy, but it did not have the effect I expected. I still felt a lot of pain, it just kinds of clouds my brain and tries to trick my body into thinking there is none. It is supposed to be a muscle relaxer, too. I didn't feel relaxed and still don't. I think my problem is I have a lot of anxiety and all these thoughts swim around in my head and I can't shut it off. I could rest more if my brain would just shut off. I must have complained a lot because all of a sudden we had lot of visitors, the nurse case manager, the surgeon's partner and then finally the surgeon. My dh and I were asking all these questions about staging and next steps and it just became overwhelming. I was shown a copy of the pathology report and there it was in black and white diagnosis HODGKINS LYMPHOMA. Wow, to see it on paper was real. My surgeon sat down next to me and held my hand and said, " I know this may not comfort you, but 20 years ago in my residency I was in the same exact place you are, with little ones at home and everything, and I want you to know, you will see them graduate and get married, you will." And that was it, the tears came hard and fast and I started sobbing and snotting like a child. It hurt my incision so hard to cry hard, but by this time the whole room was in the same boat and I couldn't stop even if I tried. Hugs got passed around, nurses, doctors, respiratory therapists, nurses aides, custodial helpers, and then slowly they all left the room until it was just me and my dh and one nurse. She shared her story of cancer, both her and her husband have survived different cancers and she assured me that I will be well taken care of by the same doctor who cared for her. She hugged me and her bright red hair tickled my face. She was older, probably in her early sixties and I loved her red hair. I think I will get a red wig when I lose my hair. She was a fighter, and she survived and so will I .

So we, I mean my dh, packed up the whole room and we made 2 or three trips, I mean he made 2 or 3 trips to the car and then we were wheeling me out and I was gone. My brain was spinning, I had no idea how this ride home was going to feel, have you ever driven with my husband? We went to Walgreens to fill the script and oh get this, THEY COULDN'T READ THE SURGEON'S WRITING, so they had to call the hospital. You always hear about doctors and their scrawl, yet their hands are amazing enough to operate and make very important cuts and slices that will determine how people will live the rest of their lives. I think the guy should get a medal.

So we snuck home (the ride was awful, which is normal with my dh). He made 18 trips into the house and then spent all night trying to make me comfortable... I think he deserves two medals. I love him.

We both slept better than we did in the hospital, but I am in a lot of pain, breathing hurts, talking hurts and coughing, well I don't know how I am still in one piece after it happens. But I am. It will take a couple of days or two for me to catch my breath I think, but I will.

For those of you, pretty much everyone, who have offered help, Thank you. I think we need just a day or two to get into this new routine, I cannot lift anything or drive for awhile. I am completely dependent upon my dh. He has the harder job. We will probably take visitors after the weekend, and maybe even need something else by then. But we could use those prayers, I know I can feel them and I know their awesome power. I want to be calm enough to breath slowly and I want to be strong enough to reach out and hug and kiss my kids. Right now I can barely reach their foreheads. I am really going to work hard to bring up my strength so they can see me move around and be normal. My son keeps asking, "mom, when are you going to be better?" It just makes me cry, because I don't know the answer, I just keep saying, "soon, buddy, soon"

Mom has the kids now and will probably bring them in for a quick visit today, but it is really hard to be around them, they have so much energy, I get kinda of sad and down and I want to be positive. So we will take it slowly.

I am getting pretty tired now and I am not sure if I have made any sense out of this post or not, it's pretty much my sporadic thoughts and I know they are messy so I will sign off for today. My dh is insisting I eat something and breathe, who has the harder job again?