Saturday, July 01, 2006

Honey, I'm Home!

Yesterday took it all out of me. For the first time in a long time I did not even have the energy to check my blog or messages last night. I just needed some rest and it was nice that the house was empty except for my nurse, I mean husband. He slept on the hideabed and took care of me like a trooper again. I don't know how he does it, I couldn't put up with someone like me.

A couple of housekeeping things this morning. I was UNABLE to check email while in the hospital, so those of you who have been faithfully emailing, THANK YOU and I will get back to you shortly. I intend to post at least once a day to this blog, but I have to tell you my old faithful computer chair is not as comfortable as it used to be. I am not sure how often I will be emailing, but I will try to get back to you all. It wasn't that bad, only 33 messages!

Okay, well the 'pain management' didn't go well yesterday. At least that's what I thought. We were told by the doctor who operated on me that I could go HOME! We got excited, but I really wanted to make sure I could handle the pain so we tried some new drugs, valum - diazepem, I thought it would make me very happy, but it did not have the effect I expected. I still felt a lot of pain, it just kinds of clouds my brain and tries to trick my body into thinking there is none. It is supposed to be a muscle relaxer, too. I didn't feel relaxed and still don't. I think my problem is I have a lot of anxiety and all these thoughts swim around in my head and I can't shut it off. I could rest more if my brain would just shut off. I must have complained a lot because all of a sudden we had lot of visitors, the nurse case manager, the surgeon's partner and then finally the surgeon. My dh and I were asking all these questions about staging and next steps and it just became overwhelming. I was shown a copy of the pathology report and there it was in black and white diagnosis HODGKINS LYMPHOMA. Wow, to see it on paper was real. My surgeon sat down next to me and held my hand and said, " I know this may not comfort you, but 20 years ago in my residency I was in the same exact place you are, with little ones at home and everything, and I want you to know, you will see them graduate and get married, you will." And that was it, the tears came hard and fast and I started sobbing and snotting like a child. It hurt my incision so hard to cry hard, but by this time the whole room was in the same boat and I couldn't stop even if I tried. Hugs got passed around, nurses, doctors, respiratory therapists, nurses aides, custodial helpers, and then slowly they all left the room until it was just me and my dh and one nurse. She shared her story of cancer, both her and her husband have survived different cancers and she assured me that I will be well taken care of by the same doctor who cared for her. She hugged me and her bright red hair tickled my face. She was older, probably in her early sixties and I loved her red hair. I think I will get a red wig when I lose my hair. She was a fighter, and she survived and so will I .

So we, I mean my dh, packed up the whole room and we made 2 or three trips, I mean he made 2 or 3 trips to the car and then we were wheeling me out and I was gone. My brain was spinning, I had no idea how this ride home was going to feel, have you ever driven with my husband? We went to Walgreens to fill the script and oh get this, THEY COULDN'T READ THE SURGEON'S WRITING, so they had to call the hospital. You always hear about doctors and their scrawl, yet their hands are amazing enough to operate and make very important cuts and slices that will determine how people will live the rest of their lives. I think the guy should get a medal.

So we snuck home (the ride was awful, which is normal with my dh). He made 18 trips into the house and then spent all night trying to make me comfortable... I think he deserves two medals. I love him.

We both slept better than we did in the hospital, but I am in a lot of pain, breathing hurts, talking hurts and coughing, well I don't know how I am still in one piece after it happens. But I am. It will take a couple of days or two for me to catch my breath I think, but I will.

For those of you, pretty much everyone, who have offered help, Thank you. I think we need just a day or two to get into this new routine, I cannot lift anything or drive for awhile. I am completely dependent upon my dh. He has the harder job. We will probably take visitors after the weekend, and maybe even need something else by then. But we could use those prayers, I know I can feel them and I know their awesome power. I want to be calm enough to breath slowly and I want to be strong enough to reach out and hug and kiss my kids. Right now I can barely reach their foreheads. I am really going to work hard to bring up my strength so they can see me move around and be normal. My son keeps asking, "mom, when are you going to be better?" It just makes me cry, because I don't know the answer, I just keep saying, "soon, buddy, soon"

Mom has the kids now and will probably bring them in for a quick visit today, but it is really hard to be around them, they have so much energy, I get kinda of sad and down and I want to be positive. So we will take it slowly.

I am getting pretty tired now and I am not sure if I have made any sense out of this post or not, it's pretty much my sporadic thoughts and I know they are messy so I will sign off for today. My dh is insisting I eat something and breathe, who has the harder job again?
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