Knowing how many people are reading this is sort of affecting how I am writing. I wish it wasn't. I wish I could say that I don't proof and censor some of the thoughts, because that is what a real diary is for, but I can't say that. It's okay though, it makes me want to write better and positive things. It keeps my spirits high.
The naked truth about last night and this morning is; I AM A WRECK. Yesterday was weird anyway. I was trying to put a smile on my face and think optimistically and it just wasn't working. I really didn't have any reason to be grumpy or sad, but I was. I was bored, angry, lonely, pissed off and just plain unpleasant to be around. I moped around the house and tried to busy myself, I even finished a book. Yet, I couldn't shake that feeling. I know what some of you are thinking, she has a reason to be mad blah, blah, blah. But it just wasn't the fact that I was sick, it was something else. I don't know how to explain it. My side hurt more than it did the day before and NOTHING would take the pain away, I took medicine, tried to walk, sit, stand, eat, drink, read, watch t.v. It was just not going to go away. As the day progressed I tried to be 'normal', but ended up getting angry last night about something stupid and pouting all night. I went to bed crying and woke up the same way.
I thought maybe a shower would help, my dh helped me and I even shaved! Well most of it, anyway, I couldn't get under my left arm, so if you visit today, stand to the right of me. The shower was exhausting, it took over an hour and I don't feel any better. Not even lotion on my legs and arms could help me. I was bawling the whole time my dh was so gently trying to put it on my skin. I just can't shake that icky feeling. But, I am clean and I smell nice and I am wearing new pajamas that one of my thoughtful friends gave me yesterday. My husband mumbled something as he helped me get dressed. I couldn't hear him so I asked him to repeat himself. "I am glad I am not a woman," he said, "it's too much damn work....."
Happy Independence Day! I am completely dependent upon others and don't feel too much like celebrating, but I hope you all have a nice day.
2 comments:
Hi Rani. What about these angles . . . the importance to grieve your losses in your own way . . . a separate "raw" journal or a tape recorder . . . honesty with others may take a second seat for awhile to honesty for yourself . . . the way out of the funk is through it. Just thoughts. Still holding you in prayer and wishing you and yours strength and protection.
Nicki
One of my dearest friends just sent me a journal which I am going to use for my personal and private thoughts. It was the perfect gift. Thank you so much for thinking and praying and reading.....
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