Tuesday, July 04, 2006

Two Steps Forward, 10 Steps Back

Knowing how many people are reading this is sort of affecting how I am writing. I wish it wasn't. I wish I could say that I don't proof and censor some of the thoughts, because that is what a real diary is for, but I can't say that. It's okay though, it makes me want to write better and positive things. It keeps my spirits high.

The naked truth about last night and this morning is; I AM A WRECK. Yesterday was weird anyway. I was trying to put a smile on my face and think optimistically and it just wasn't working. I really didn't have any reason to be grumpy or sad, but I was. I was bored, angry, lonely, pissed off and just plain unpleasant to be around. I moped around the house and tried to busy myself, I even finished a book. Yet, I couldn't shake that feeling. I know what some of you are thinking, she has a reason to be mad blah, blah, blah. But it just wasn't the fact that I was sick, it was something else. I don't know how to explain it. My side hurt more than it did the day before and NOTHING would take the pain away, I took medicine, tried to walk, sit, stand, eat, drink, read, watch t.v. It was just not going to go away. As the day progressed I tried to be 'normal', but ended up getting angry last night about something stupid and pouting all night. I went to bed crying and woke up the same way.

I thought maybe a shower would help, my dh helped me and I even shaved! Well most of it, anyway, I couldn't get under my left arm, so if you visit today, stand to the right of me. The shower was exhausting, it took over an hour and I don't feel any better. Not even lotion on my legs and arms could help me. I was bawling the whole time my dh was so gently trying to put it on my skin. I just can't shake that icky feeling. But, I am clean and I smell nice and I am wearing new pajamas that one of my thoughtful friends gave me yesterday. My husband mumbled something as he helped me get dressed. I couldn't hear him so I asked him to repeat himself. "I am glad I am not a woman," he said, "it's too much damn work....."

Happy Independence Day! I am completely dependent upon others and don't feel too much like celebrating, but I hope you all have a nice day.
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