Thursday, March 11, 2010

see you in six months

Just before I was diagnosed with Hodgkin's Lymphoma I lost 10 pounds, in a few days. It was awesome. I felt great, except for the cough. The cough that was becoming my normal. The cough that, along with the night sweats, and the weight loss = cancer.

Anyway. During chemotherapy I gained weight. Lots of weight. Like 30 pounds. Then after chemo, I got pregnant. Then after that pregnancy I got pregnant again. You see where this is going, don't you?

I am overweight, more than I have ever been in my life. I have aches and pains that an overweight person has. Lower back, feet, and just plain exhaustion issues are normal day to day experiences now.

So, when I went to the doctor yesterday the first thing he said to me, again, was, "Well, we are not losing any weight yet, huh?" Simple as that sentence is it HURTS. It cut me and I felt my tears well up and my heart squeeze in my chest. I HATE being fat. It is uncomfortable even painful. I like to exercise, I like to eat healthy but my body just doesn't react to these things the way it did before... before I was pregnant for two years, before I spent 6 months pumping poison into my veins to "heal" me. I have changed and I am starting to wonder if this is me now.

This new hair with curls and grey, this new skin with patches that dry up right next to patches that are oily, these new scars that spasm and roll when I stretch or move, this new body that has aches and pains that a few years ago I never thought could exist.

I just wish he would have said, "You are maintaining your weight." That wouldn't have hurt so much. He would like me to be back to pre-cancer weight, which is 25 pounds from where I am now. I feel like all my effort, although not terribly consistent, are in vain. It may seem odd, but it feels terribly selfish to worry about my self when there are so many others to care for right now. t-cells are coming back to normal levels. Doc says it can take 5 years or more for t-cells to bounce back in Hodgkin's patients. He recommends all vaccinations, flu shots etc. until my levels are normal. Otherwise all is well.

Thanks for your prayers. My next appointment is in 6 months. He challenged me to lose 10 pounds. Let's hope I can exceed that.
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