Friday, October 06, 2006

Embracing the ugliness one cut at a time.

The fear of losing your hair, along with actually losing it, is truly worse than having it gone. I would have never believed it, but it is the honest truth.
I actually made a hair appointment to chop off the rat tail, as we have so lovingly nicknamed my once luscious mane, for a week ago Friday. But, I was ill and did not have the courage to drive to the salon where I have been getting my hair cut for many years now. I was ill, but I couldn't help feeling that if I actually did cut it off I would be giving in, I would be giving up. It feels like I am being erased. It is so hard to explain. Anyway, one more week of trying hats and hankies and I had enough. I spoke with a kind friend and she said she would do the deed for me. It is so personal, I was so afraid of it. But, after it was over I actually felt better. I am glad I found the courage to just clean it up a bit. She did a great job and gave me a cute little bob that will slowly fall out over the course of the next few months. It fits a lot easier under a hat and a scarf. I wish I would have just bucked up and done it a month ago. I think I may even go shorter if it continues to thin. She mentioned that it may not have been so difficult had the process of the thinning been quicker instead of gradually dragging on for months. The hardest part for me is not knowing if or when it will all just fall out. It's frightening when you comb your hair and handfuls of it fall out. I am quickly learning what people with thinner hair go through, my scalp is not only more visible but extremely sensitive to sunlight and cool weather. I am happy to put a hat or scarf on for the warmth alone. Don't ask a cancer patient what is more important - their hair or their life? We all know the answer to that one. Yet, I don't see any 'hair loss' brochures anywhere for chemo patients. I can't imagine posters with bald women and the words," Lose your hair, gain your life." If that were the case, we would get out the clippers ourselves.
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