Thursday, October 19, 2006

I've come undone.

It's 4:45 am. I am not sleeping. There are several reasons why, some of which I am not going to share with you because they are not appropriate for reading as you sip your morning coffee. Your welcome.
Several things are scrambling in my auto-pilot brain this morning. I am not sure that I can organize my thoughts so I think I might just type what I am thinking as it comes into my brain, so as to not confuse myself. This being much different from actually trying to create a post that has an actual story or even a purpose at all.
1)my scalp hurts - I never anticipated that losing my hair would actually hurt more than my vanity...it is very sensitive to temperature and sore. It gives me headaches. Sometimes I feel like there is a substance pushing it's way out of the follicles where the hair was. I just want to wash my head every couple of hours. I have been really careful to blot my head dry, but yesterday I just felt like doing a thorough towel dry and rubbed my head until it felt better. The towel was so covered with hair I just threw it in the garbage instead of putting my washer and dryer through more misery.
2)I am going crazy- I started reading a book to give my brain a rest from thinking and I didn't realize until I was several hundred pages into that I had just read it earlier this summer. I guess I forgot. I wonder how people who continue to work full-time during chemo feel? Does a consistent schedule help? Every time I have chemo it is so different. I think I am feeling okay and then WHAM I am sick and yucky. I start a task at home, like filling the dishwasher and then I get interrupted by my child or the phone and hours later I walk into the kitchen and the dishwasher is wide open. It still, after all these months, doesn't feel real. I try to read my body and feel the symptoms. I am a terrible patient. I don't know if what I am experiencing is nausea, menstrual cramps, constipation or just plain anxiety. I know it hurts and I don't like it.
3)wellness, shmellness- I have the vitamins, the goji juice, the bottled pure water, the chi-machine, the hot house, the books and Cd's that tell you how and why to eat better...and all I really want is a chocolate covered rice krispy bar.
4)I wish real life had a pause button,too- I try to make a budget and keep to it. I try to have hopes and dreams. I try to think about next year when I will have one child in kindergarten and one in preschool. I want to fast forward past this chemo, but not lose any time with my friends and family in the process. I have chemo two days before Thanksgiving, two days before my daughters fifth birthday and five days before Christmas. How am I going to enjoy the holidays? I feel extremely self-centered and vain spending all this time thinking of myself when I should be enjoying my kids and the 'real' life that keeps happening. Life goes by too fast and not fast enough.
5)driving myself crazy is one thing, can you imagine what my dh is going through?- I go back and forth from being weak and sick and quiet to being loud and angry and sick. He has the wonderful job of assessing my many mood changes, putting up with my crazy ranting and raving and then taking care of me. I am being really honest when I say this - I am not sure I could do the same for him. One minute I want him to sit by me and hold me and the next I can't stand having him near me. It is not healthy, for either of us. We have two little one's watching us; soaking in everything, good and really, really bad, that they are going to use in their future relationships with people and it scares me to death.
6)prayer is a necessity- for the first time in my life I really, really, really, really understand that my faith is not just about church on Sunday. The foundation for my faith came from when I was in Sunday school singing songs, or in youth groups planning activities like car washes and trips to St. Louis or New Orleans, or when I earned my nickname in high school 'church lady', or when I attended a Christian college, or when I got married and asked my husband to join my church, or when I baptized my children. Now that I have looked cancer in the face and realized that my place here on earth is just temporary, NOW, I know I need prayer. I need prayer because when everything else is crumbling down around me I know I can get down on my knees and cry and He hears me. I am not alone. He has called me by name and there is a place waiting for me in eternity. Maybe I am crazy here. There is sanity in heaven.
This is my daily struggle.
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