This is the third time I have sat down to post and I am still finding I have nothing to say. It is Monday again and I feel the need to ramble incessantly about nothing.
The weekend brought nothing but ill feelings so I am hoping for a much less sick week full of 'feel good' or at least 'feel okay enough' days. The weather was nice enough for me to crawl out of the house for a nephews football game on Saturday. The sun made me queasy and I kept sliding my lawn chair back till I was practically in the trees and couldn't view much of the action anyway. Saturday night despite a couple of invites the whole family was in bed before 830. We ventured out for church early Sunday morning and then I slept until early afternoon. I woke with an insatiable hunger that could not be satisfied no matter what I chose to put in my mouth. It all tastes like aluminum foil.
It is becoming painfully, increasingly clear to me why someone might go crazy or at least become depressed during this time in their life. Each time I try really hard to climb out of the temptation to just give up and quit, but each time it gets a lot harder. I keep asking myself "Why do I have to keep going to chemo? I am better, right?" It would almost be easier on my mental stability if I had waited for that PET scan until late November so I didn't have these thoughts each time I have another treatment. Oh well.
I have been doing a lot of sleeping to pass the time . I wish I could read or do something productive while my butt grows bigger and bigger, but my brain doesn't allow me to rest unless I am sleeping and even then my dreams have been really animated. Last night I was back in high school and I could have sworn it was real. I even smelled the smell of the study hall and felt the plaster walls. Freaky.
Dh is redoing the floor of the boat and has been hard at work gluing his hands and stapling his thumbs to pieces of plywood for two days now. He assures me that this is his last outdoor project and he will get to the trim in the bathroom in no time. Blessed are those who have not seen and yet believe. Call me crazy, I may just fit the mold on the that one.
I am the woman who has two producing apple trees in her backyard and buys Braeburns because they are on sale uptown. Nuts? We call it normalcy here. I am eating one now, yummy.