It is 4:25 am and I can't sleep, again. My brain won't shut off and there is a monkey in my belly.
In the past two days I have gone off of tangents about the silliest, stupidest stuff and had to apologize to no less than five people for my immature behavior. I am officially a wreck.
So, I have been lying in bed for the last who knows how many hours wallowing in my misery about my crabbiness, next to my 'sicker than a dog' hubby who is breathing his nasty illness on me. There I go again. I can't even make it through three paragraphs without a nasty.
I have this insane necessity of holding on to everything for way to long. It is disgusting. It would be very convenient to just hit the @#$% refresh button, instead of keeping me up at night. I am all about convenience nowadays.
Lord knows I have nothing to be thankful for. (sarcastic sigh)
I have a miracle growing inside my less than 8 month old, chemotherapy cleaned, body. I have a husband who loves me (for reasons beyond my comprehension) even when I am crabby for days, weeks, and months at a time. I have two beautiful children. I have a family and friends who care about me, I know this for a fact, they have proved it to me in too many ways to count.
So why can't I just be normal?
My brain is clouded with junk. I can't be calm when I have all these negative thoughts flying around. How can I possibly be focused on the right things when all this yucky stuff gets in the way? I am miserable. In fact, I get this way quite often, too often.
More often, since I have been sick, I have decided to pray when I get this way. I can't remember what I did before, but I know I didn't pray much. I pray that I can let go of these thoughts that are weighing me down. I pray for peace and for comfort. It is a lot harder than it sounds.
According to Joyce Meyer in The Battlefield of the Mind, "The mind is normal when it is at rest - not blank, but at rest." Here is a quote from Chapter 8.
"As believers, we are spiritual, and we are also natural. The natural does not always understand the spiritual; therefore, it is vitally necessary for out minds to be enlightened concerning what is going on in our spirits. The Holy Spirit desires to bring us this enlightenment, but the mind often misses what the spirit is attempting to reveal because it is too busy. A mind that is too busy is abnormal."
I have the busiest mind I know, therefore I am the most abnormal person I can think of. Refreshing.
AND, I am missing what the Lord is attempting to reveal to me through His Spirit. Wonderful.
so much for this Bible study being elementary...
I am shocked and completely flabbergasted at how much wrong thinking I am doing. I am again amazed at the power that Satan has over my thoughts. He aggressively fights against the renewal of my mind. I am trying to let these thoughts go and get rid of them and they keep coming right back. I desperately need freedom. I am addicted to thinking this way.
I can relate to Paul's Prayer as he wrote in his letter to the Ephesians 1:15-19
"I have heard of your faith in the Lord Jesus and your love toward all the saints and for this reason I do not cease to give thanks for you as I remember you in my prayers. I pray that the God of your Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of glory, may give you a spirit of wisdom and revelation as you come to know him, so that, with the eyes of your heart enlightened, you may know what is the hope to which he has called you, what are the riches of his glorious inheritance among the saints, and what is the immeasurable greatness of his power for us who believe, according to the working of his great power."
I know that right thinking has NOTHING to do with salvation. Salvation is based on Jesus' death on the cross and His resurrection, and my believe in that. I believe that I will be in heaven. But I am a struggling believer, because I am not walking in victory or enjoying the good plan God has for me. I want to enjoy being a Christian. I want it to be in every part of my life, not just my every other Wednesday night Bible study, my weekend worship and a devotion every now and again. I want it to be in every thought, word, and action that I possess. I want to breathe it.
I want to put it in practice like the apostle Paul tells me in his letter to the Philippians 4:8-9
"Finally, beloved, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is pleasing, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence and if there is anything worthy of praise, THINK ABOUT THOSE THINGS. Keep on doing the things you have learned and received and heard and seen in me, and the God of peace will be with you."
and he gives me the encouragement I so desperately need in verse 13
"I can do all things through Him who strengthens me." AMEN.
I have been a Christian for a long time now, many years, and am just now beginning to learn how to live my life. I wish I would have been born knowing these things, but I know that this struggle is the part of the battle that He wants us to win. It makes me stronger, right?
And so I pray this prayer that I keep in my Bible on a tattered piece of paper, someone gave it to me years ago and I keep coming back to it...
My Lord God, I have no idea where I am going. I do not see the road ahead of me. I cannot know for certain where it will end. Nor do I really know myself, and the fact that I think I am following your will does not mean that I am actually doing so. But, I believe that the desire to please you does in fact please you. And I hope I have that desire in all that I am doing. I hope that I will never do anything apart from that desire. And I know that if I do this you will lead me by the right road though I may know nothing about it. Therefore will I trust you always though I may seem to be lost and in the shadow of death. I will not fear, for you are ever with me. And you will never leave me to face my perils alone.