I do.
It is 4:25 am and I can't sleep, again. My brain won't shut off and there is a monkey in my belly.
In the past two days I have gone off of tangents about the silliest, stupidest stuff and had to apologize to no less than five people for my immature behavior. I am officially a wreck.
So, I have been lying in bed for the last who knows how many hours wallowing in my misery about my crabbiness, next to my 'sicker than a dog' hubby who is breathing his nasty illness on me. There I go again. I can't even make it through three paragraphs without a nasty.
I have this insane necessity of holding on to everything for way to long. It is disgusting. It would be very convenient to just hit the @#$% refresh button, instead of keeping me up at night. I am all about convenience nowadays.
Lord knows I have nothing to be thankful for. (sarcastic sigh)
I have a miracle growing inside my less than 8 month old, chemotherapy cleaned, body. I have a husband who loves me (for reasons beyond my comprehension) even when I am crabby for days, weeks, and months at a time. I have two beautiful children. I have a family and friends who care about me, I know this for a fact, they have proved it to me in too many ways to count.
So why can't I just be normal?
My brain is clouded with junk. I can't be calm when I have all these negative thoughts flying around. How can I possibly be focused on the right things when all this yucky stuff gets in the way? I am miserable. In fact, I get this way quite often, too often.
More often, since I have been sick, I have decided to pray when I get this way. I can't remember what I did before, but I know I didn't pray much. I pray that I can let go of these thoughts that are weighing me down. I pray for peace and for comfort. It is a lot harder than it sounds.
According to Joyce Meyer in The Battlefield of the Mind, "The mind is normal when it is at rest - not blank, but at rest." Here is a quote from Chapter 8.
"As believers, we are spiritual, and we are also natural. The natural does not always understand the spiritual; therefore, it is vitally necessary for out minds to be enlightened concerning what is going on in our spirits. The Holy Spirit desires to bring us this enlightenment, but the mind often misses what the spirit is attempting to reveal because it is too busy. A mind that is too busy is abnormal."
I have the busiest mind I know, therefore I am the most abnormal person I can think of. Refreshing.
AND, I am missing what the Lord is attempting to reveal to me through His Spirit. Wonderful.
so much for this Bible study being elementary...
I am shocked and completely flabbergasted at how much wrong thinking I am doing. I am again amazed at the power that Satan has over my thoughts. He aggressively fights against the renewal of my mind. I am trying to let these thoughts go and get rid of them and they keep coming right back. I desperately need freedom. I am addicted to thinking this way.
I can relate to Paul's Prayer as he wrote in his letter to the Ephesians 1:15-19
"I have heard of your faith in the Lord Jesus and your love toward all the saints and for this reason I do not cease to give thanks for you as I remember you in my prayers. I pray that the God of your Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of glory, may give you a spirit of wisdom and revelation as you come to know him, so that, with the eyes of your heart enlightened, you may know what is the hope to which he has called you, what are the riches of his glorious inheritance among the saints, and what is the immeasurable greatness of his power for us who believe, according to the working of his great power."
I know that right thinking has NOTHING to do with salvation. Salvation is based on Jesus' death on the cross and His resurrection, and my believe in that. I believe that I will be in heaven. But I am a struggling believer, because I am not walking in victory or enjoying the good plan God has for me. I want to enjoy being a Christian. I want it to be in every part of my life, not just my every other Wednesday night Bible study, my weekend worship and a devotion every now and again. I want it to be in every thought, word, and action that I possess. I want to breathe it.
I want to put it in practice like the apostle Paul tells me in his letter to the Philippians 4:8-9
"Finally, beloved, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is pleasing, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence and if there is anything worthy of praise, THINK ABOUT THOSE THINGS. Keep on doing the things you have learned and received and heard and seen in me, and the God of peace will be with you."
and he gives me the encouragement I so desperately need in verse 13
"I can do all things through Him who strengthens me." AMEN.
I have been a Christian for a long time now, many years, and am just now beginning to learn how to live my life. I wish I would have been born knowing these things, but I know that this struggle is the part of the battle that He wants us to win. It makes me stronger, right?
And so I pray this prayer that I keep in my Bible on a tattered piece of paper, someone gave it to me years ago and I keep coming back to it...
My Lord God, I have no idea where I am going. I do not see the road ahead of me. I cannot know for certain where it will end. Nor do I really know myself, and the fact that I think I am following your will does not mean that I am actually doing so. But, I believe that the desire to please you does in fact please you. And I hope I have that desire in all that I am doing. I hope that I will never do anything apart from that desire. And I know that if I do this you will lead me by the right road though I may know nothing about it. Therefore will I trust you always though I may seem to be lost and in the shadow of death. I will not fear, for you are ever with me. And you will never leave me to face my perils alone.
Amen.
7 comments:
Rani--
I think you just wrote a bible study, man. Go back and read it, you'll see the heart of a person who dearly wants to walk in victory, who wants to serve the Lord, who wants to be free of her crud. I think that's all you have to do. The rest is up to the Holy Spirit. This is not something that YOU can do, it has to be HIM. Also, you are so not alone. These are things that I struggle with all the time. This morning I wanted some time to pray with my husband and one of the kids got up early. So what do I do?? Do I invite him to pray with us? Do I ask him to give us a few minutes to pray together??? No, I rudely ask, "Why are YOU up so early? Why don't you go back to bed?" Now I'm thinking, good grief, I could have blessed this child, but instead I started his day off in a horribly negative way.
You are not alone.
My best advice is to keep short accounts with God. Don't wait until bedtime to ask forgiveness, do it right away. It really helps me from staying on the crappy road for a whole day (or week) and gets me back on the straight and narrow fast.
Karen, thanks for the encouragement and the real life comparison...I think I need an electric shock instead of a clothes pin to remind me what is really important.
Rani~
I went to a Bible study by Beth Moore for 3 years and have went through several of her books. I always envied her passion for God and her relationship with Him. One of the best things I remember she said in her books was this...when you wake up in the morning, give your day to God. Ask Him to rid yourself of any worries, anxiety, etc. and fill up that space with the Holy spirit. Just totally give the day to Him and trust that He will take care of you. So I did this and wow, what a difference it made in my life. It was like a weight was lifted off my shoulders. I don't have to carry all my burdens, I just needed to give them to God. I too, have been up at night, thinking about wrongs I have done. But isn't it amazing how we are forgiven by God but also by our families and friends. I just wanted to share this piece of info with you. If you ever get a chance to go through one of Beth Moore's studies, I would recommend it. They have totally changed the way I think about life in general. Your blog really made me think today and I thank you for that. Get some rest now and I'm thinking of ya!
Thanks D, I appreciate your suggestions. I really need to change the way I go about my day. I hate struggling, but sometimes, with me, it has to get really bad in order for me to make the effort to fix it. Today is going to be a long day, but I feel better about my attitude, even if I am exhausted.
hey rani.
my heart has been thinking of you today, just because i can relate to the stuff that was weighing you down in this post.
for a long time, i kept asking the Lord for forgiveness, but still piling the condemnation on myself. it was hard for me to see what the Lord saw in me, i just saw the really really bad stuff.
which made it almost impossible to change, because i was either acting badly, feeling badly about acting badly, or depressed because i couldn't seem to get over feeling and acting badly :)
he he. anyway, it was tough.
it still is, some of the time, but i truly believe when we see that we can give God the burdens and the bungled up stuff, and BE FORGIVEN by Him, then we have half the battle won. eventually, our actions catch up. but first, inside, we need to know He loves us just as much on our crappy crappy day as He will on our very best day. He's not like us, or our spouses, or our parents or our friends. He knows your heart, and He wants to help you. He IS helping you, even right now in this post that you wrote.
that's why He has you on this discovery path, which is just so exciting!!
for what it's worth, i see what He sees, i think you are a beautiful work in progress. so glad i am getting to know you better :)
I am glad to have met you, too, B. I think we have a lot of great things ahead of us.
Hugs to you today, hoping that you're feeling more calm and working things out. Pregancy hormones always did a number on me too -- and it's hard not to worry. It is. But be good to yourself, 'k? You're a great mom, and you're growing a beautiful baby!
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