The world has been turned upside down. My dreams are nightmares. My thoughts are scrambled. I feel completely fatigued yet full of curiosity. I am still in denial that anything has really happened. My computer is my safe zone, here I can learn more about what they say I may have (which is really quite scary), I can speak with friends; old and new. I can curse out, pray quietly, proofread and type slowly and no one will know. If I answer the phone or go outside I may have to actually converse with someone and say the words out loud.
I don't know anything yet for sure, and I keep this sliver of hope near my heart, praying that maybe a technician smudged the film with his fingers and that's how the spot showed up. It could happen.
I can't believe I didn't go to the doctor in March, or April, or May......Could it have been avoided, perhaps not?
It is nice to be here among familiar sounds, the washer, the dehumidifier, the kids; and smells, coffee and soggy diapers. I feel more comfortable than in the car driving to the waiting room to take a test or meet with a "specialist".
So I sip my coffee with cream and sugar and visit the sites that I have come to love in the past few months and try to free my thoughts from what is to come on Monday.
Last night, my husband snapped this photo and said, "We don't have a lot of shots with you and the kids...."
3 comments:
Hi Rani, this is your second cousin, Nicki. I'm your great aunt Jackie's daughter. My mom told me about your possible lymphoma a couple days ago and your mom included me on her mailout today with your blog address. You write well, something I like to do also. What a scary thing to be going through. I hope you see support and love everywhere you turn and I pray for a great outcome. We have grackles in Texas. I rather like them! But I tend to enjoy the bawdy and cantankerous. Right now the living room and den are being painted and I am consigned to the back part of my small house, ensconced on my queen-sized four-poster with my dogs, cats and laptop. I have Vanessa, my sweet-natured pit bull terrier; Springfield, my beagle we picked up as stray on the way back from my Aunt Elaine's funeral (Pam was with us); Itty Bitty, my talkative gray calico cat; and Andy, my big "yalla" fella (his shade of red is called yellow in Texas) who likes to be outside until 10 pm. I give them all their shots except rabies. Two days ago was shot day and I'm proud to say no one screeched or even seemed to notice, so I must be getting good at it. Today, the cats go in for their rabies at 1 pm. Signing off and keeping you and your family in my prayers. Nicki Meyer Willis
Nice to hear from you, Nicki. I remember meeting you several times, once with a bottle of homemade Banana Wine and a pop-up camper...remember? You and Patty could have a zoo if you put your two households together. I remember visiting her place in DesPlaines and talking to her birds. Last time she was out here to see Grandpa T. she took such good care of Sadie, my English Springer Spaniel, I actually contemplated giving her away..... Thanks for your wishes and I hope your cats do okay at the vet today. I still hate those grackles....
I definitely remember the banana wine making the circle in the pop-up camper. Bet Bonnie rememers it,too! What a night and what a great trip!
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