Saturday, June 24, 2006

Day 3

The world has been turned upside down. My dreams are nightmares. My thoughts are scrambled. I feel completely fatigued yet full of curiosity. I am still in denial that anything has really happened. My computer is my safe zone, here I can learn more about what they say I may have (which is really quite scary), I can speak with friends; old and new. I can curse out, pray quietly, proofread and type slowly and no one will know. If I answer the phone or go outside I may have to actually converse with someone and say the words out loud.
I don't know anything yet for sure, and I keep this sliver of hope near my heart, praying that maybe a technician smudged the film with his fingers and that's how the spot showed up. It could happen.
I can't believe I didn't go to the doctor in March, or April, or May......Could it have been avoided, perhaps not?
It is nice to be here among familiar sounds, the washer, the dehumidifier, the kids; and smells, coffee and soggy diapers. I feel more comfortable than in the car driving to the waiting room to take a test or meet with a "specialist".
So I sip my coffee with cream and sugar and visit the sites that I have come to love in the past few months and try to free my thoughts from what is to come on Monday.
Last night, my husband snapped this photo and said, "We don't have a lot of shots with you and the kids...."
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