Friday, June 30, 2006

Plop, Plop, Fizz, Fizz

I am so relieved to have spoken to my general practicioner this morning. I can’t tell you how wonderful it was to see a face that I recognize. I don’t know why it was so much easier to understand the words coming from his mouth, than a surgeon or an oncologist. I think it’s just the “comfort” thing. Our gp has been a part of our lives for years now and we just have that repoire with him that you need when you have a million questions to ask.

Last night was rough. I do most of my walking and moving in the day hours, so at about 1130 or so I was so sore from sitting in the chair and bed for a few hours too long. I was hurting. The nurse last night was the same one we had on Tue. and Wed. so she knew what kind of an emotional looney I was. She was able to get me some pain meds and in a few short minutes my knife in the side pain was gone and I just had that sudo mental illness to deal with for the rest of the night. I ended up watching Star Jones on Larry King for an hour before I finally passed out. I think I know why the network “fired” her….her voice alone made me nauseous.

My husband was up with me, too. We actually had a nice conversation together in the middle of the night. We spent some time reading the Psalms. Our fears are so hard to overcome. I wish that we knew some answers and then life wouldn’t be so scary. Anyway, he finally got some rest before I watched any t.v., you didn’t think he would watch that crap with me, did you?

I was hurting this am, too. My dh(dear husband) was restless and went to his department to talk around 5 or so. I got some more meds from the nurse and then just sat here in the dark letting the tears well up and fall down my cheeks into a puddle on my hospital gown. It was pointless and non-productive, but it felt GOOD. I imagined some of the pain falling away, too with the salty tears and that helped me overcome my chronic sadness, for the moment.

Okay, my gp actually answered some questions for me, I am almost in shock yet, but here are a few things I found out. He believes the pathology report is locked in at Hodgkins lymphoma, I am a little on the older side for this type of young person lymphoma, but he has seen it before. He believes that I have had it for some time now, at least 6 months. We talked a little about the breast reduction surgery and he wonders if it would have shown up a year ago had I taken an x-ray then. But we can’t live in the past, we have to go with what we know now. He said that my symptoms of weight loss (wish it was more) and night sweats will probably up my staging to a 2b or 3b. I am not positive on those, he was just making an educated guess, but I trust his knowledge and training that his best guess is pretty darn close to right. He assures me that I will be sick and tired of going to the doctor in the next 6 –12 months he thinks therapy will be outpatient mostly, pretty intensive and in the end with or without hair I will be doing some pill popping that will make me look like the pillsburry dough boy (girl, in my case, heck WOMAN). I guess I could have done with out that particular piece of information, but you can have everything…
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