Last night while I was trying to sleep I kept thinking about whether today would be a good day or a bad day. I spent a stupid amount of time thinking about what may or may not happen to me instead of sleeping, which is what my body really needed most. It's odd, how I feel so completely exhausted, yet I cannot sleep. I try and close my eyes and shut off my brain, but I just can't fall asleep. My surgeon said he would get me some Ambien if I needed it. I may have to call him if this no sleep continues. I don't like using the diazepam because it is a muscle relaxer and I don't like not feeling in control of my body. I have taken 2-3 naps today for about an hour at a time, but I am still not feeling rested. I have felt pukey and my stomach has been cramping all afternoon. I don't feel hungry and it is such a chore to eat. I ate a lot of fruit and bread this morning and for supper we had a feast which I enjoyed and haven't had any repercussions from yet. Then I had cup of coffee and a frosted brownie for dessert.
This morning, in the shower, I looked down to find the floor of the bathtub swimming in hair. Fortunately, I have extremely thick hair and most people may not notice the thinning right away. It feels wrong to be focusing on such a vain symptom, when my life is at stake. But, as I looked around the clinic yesterday, I noticed the women with hats and scarves and couldn't help feeling scared about losing my own hair. They look so naked. I wonder what I will look like? They passed out a magazine at my first chemo appt. with all different kinds of wigs and hats and even makeup tips for when your eyebrows fall out and the circles start appearing under your eyes. I have never felt like I was a beautiful person, but I know that soon my looks will rank much, much more nearer to the ugly side of the spectrum. I pray for the strength to face the world and hope that my inner beauty, wherever it may be, will rise to the surface for the next few months and help me get through this.
Praise the Lord, O my soul,
and forget not all His benefits-
who forgives all your sins
and heals all your diseases,
who redeems your life from the pit
and crowns you with love and compassion,
who satisfies your desires with good things
so that your youth is renewed like the eagle's