Friday, January 26, 2007

a brand new me

The feeling in my fingertips is finally returning.
My hands are extremely dry and chapped and it makes it difficult to tell if the dry skin is preventing me from feeling them or they are still numb from all the meds.
My hair has started to come in, finally. It is very soft and fuzzy and has a mind of it's own. Dh's cousin was kind enough to trim it into a sort of trendy style that uses the short spiky stuff to add a little texture. She insisted upon coloring it as well, which I adamantly denied would help until I saw it. It's nice to have a shade of color instead of the grayish mousy fluff that was up there. I was actually pretty shocked at the difference it made.
My skin is suffering the most and no matter how much lotion I pour on, it remains dry and scaly. I have tried 3 or 4 brands of cremes and lotions and nothing seems to keep the moisture in. I have come to the conclusion that the tiny bumples are the last of the meds working their way out of my skin. It makes sense to me anyway.
I have an appointment to flush my port on Thursday and I am dreading the visit to the infusion center. Just thinking of the smell of that place makes me nauseous. Hopefully I will only have to flush a couple of times before the PET clears me and I can get this thing removed.
I think the thing I am most shocked about is my lack of strength. For example, I was reaching with my left arm under my bed to get something and I didn't have the force to move my arm deep enough to reach it. I had to turn around and use the other arm. I am not sure if it is from the surgery or if it is just atrophy from sitting on my bum for 6 months. All the walking in the world will not put muscles back in my arms. It's scary and sad that I will probably never be as strong as I was. I remember hauling five gallon buckets of water into the kennel for the dogs on the farm. I remember winning the girls arm wresting contest at the after prom party as a sophomore. I don't think I will ever have that kind of strength again. I can only hope. Most of my strength now lies in between my ears.
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