Thursday, July 13, 2006

Chemo is my Kleenex.

If you know me, you know that I am rarely ever at a lack for words. I ALWAYS have something to say. At night, the thoughts in my head scream to be typed and sometimes I give in and get up and sometimes I just try to ignore the voices (with valuum). This is the second post I have tried this am and I just feel like I have nothing to say. I am finally coming to terms with the fact that, yes, I have cancer. I am getting more comfortable thinking about shooting my veins full of scary medicine, because I have learned that without it, I will die. I choose LIFE. I am gaining strength every day. Sometimes I need a pain pill to get me through, sometimes I can make it on my own.

Last night was our second night of meals. The hostess called us at 4:30 and let us know when she would be delivering our supper. As she arrived and presented us with a feast, I felt overcome with emotion(and hunger). How can these women have time to prepare a meal for us as well as their own family? Monday evening we were presented with a delicious meal as well. She worked all day and then came home and made us supper. I hope that in a few months I can return the favor. No, I know that I will.

This morning, after another feast at breakfast, I just can't pass up bacon...(at this rate I will be obese before chemo starts..) dd and ds were playing outside as they so often do. Dd came running in and relayed a very long story about her brother which ended like this, "and I just wanted to make him UN-sad, but it didn't work." I had been trying to listen to her rant but, as I sometimes do, I sort of drifted off in the middle, but the UN-sad part caught me. I think I can sum my whole being up into that phrase, 'make UN-sad'. It's a sickness I have. I want everyone to be happy, and I think my dd has caught it. I think it's human nature to want everything to be good and well.

Yet, as I grow older, I am realizing that sometimes bad things happen. Sometimes we can't all be happy and full of cheer. Sometimes we just need to cry and maybe even yell a little. All the chocolate in the world wouldn't make a difference, you know what I mean? The hard, cold, truth is staring you in the face and you just want to smack it silly. I am not sure what the right thing to do is all the time. I just know that sometimes, I put a fake smile on my face and trudge through the sea of confusion. Then there are those moments when I don't have enough strength to muster up a smile, the tears well up and, for the moment, it's easier to cry. My ds saw a bug this morning that he did not want near his toys and was very sad about it. My dd tried her best to make him Un-sad and cheer him up, but she failed. Ds had to cry it out until dh destroyed the bug with a Kleenex and threw it in the trash, even then ds was leary of going near the trash cans. My Kleenex right now is chemo and let's hope it takes my cancer to the trash.

I hope there are no English majors out there reading this. In college, my professor said I was"comma happy." Nah.......(Don't think I don't KNOW you are going to go back and count them, cuz I do! And I like the period a lot, too. So there!)
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