Thursday, July 20, 2006
Is the Sting worth the Bling?
Today has probably been my worst day yet. I am exhausted. I am so tired that I can't lie down anymore. My back hurts from not moving, my thoracotomy is sore, I think it hates being neglected. The incision where my portacath is stings so badly, I want to scratch it out. I gave in at about 2:40 and had to shower. One can only take so much of the sticky iodine substance all over ones' body before one goes crazy. It is mostly off now, I couldn't reach all of it. I am in a real dilemma now, I want a bra for my right side, because the weight of my breast pulls on the incision and I can't wear anything on my left because my ribs are still sore. I think I will invent the one boob brassiere for women who have had a thoracotomy and a portacath surgery in three weeks. I wonder how many of us are out there suffering right now? I can only imagine.
I have been showered with wonderful prayers and gifts front the "village" again. The day we came home from surgery and chemo there was a box full of huge earrings at my door. Those of you who know me well, know I love the jewelry. The earrings are so cool and big right now. I have been telling people that when I go I want to be in the casket with a pair so heavy you have to put two coffee mugs upside down under my ear lobes to hold them up. Really, though, I am going to wear them to chemo and use them as warfare. I will wear beautiful things to hide my ugliness. I may be hairless, nailless and thin and bruised, but people will be asking me where I got my big earrings.
The real BLING for me will be beating this thing head on. I cannot and will not let days like today get me down. Today I will fight the cancer by resting my body. Tomorrow I will fight, too. Until it's gone. ALL GONE. This tiny sting will not beat me.